I was born with perhaps an overtly imaginative mind that manifested itself from my early childhood. I featured myself in the cute descriptions of Noddy in my childhood and in the mysterious rat races of Nancy Drew in my adolescence. Fatal, but lucrative was when I decided to do an English hons, maybe I wanted to translate all that I had dreamt for so long into reality. Into a reality through the books of Milton, Shakespeare and Wordsworth. I wanted to lead a vicarious life and I led it for three years, blissfully unaware of the blatant externalities that existed only in a dormant format…or maybe I was too overwhelmed in my world of fancy and sophistication that I neglected the presence of anything crude. It was a vent from the modicum dosages of glimpses of the external world, I believed good invaded everything in the real world also as in books. If “Animal Farm” projected a bitter side of humanity, it also helped in awakening the minds of the unenlightened souls across the world. Everything is to be dealt with a lot of passion and this is what actually yields result.
Second blunder, I read Alchemist.
Third and final blunder, I started believing in my dreams. A subject even remotely related to building hopes spurred me on to living my dreams. And that too when I was doing my MBA.
At times, I congratulate myself for the balance that I have showcased in my life at some rare occasions though. MBA that demands practicality, politics, “fair” judgment and God knows what all…And reading books like Alchemist that restored ones faith in ones dreams and all of the fantasies of life. Richest risks, often result in the richest gains. Ironically, they never offered me the other side of the story which should have ideally guarded me against the flip side of it. Yes, I get the richness of the world, but what if I fail? Do I take the plunge into the never ending abyss and get destined to grope through that darkness eternally or do I still have a way out?
Well, while I still retained this frame of thought, I started working as a MT (Management Trainee) in marketing in a growing company. Lot of skewed recognitions came in my platter within the first 4 months of my tenure with the company, and I must confess all these were beyond my expectations. They just strengthened my notion of the good life and the good world. I started looking at them as though they were the divine indications from the universe. I slogged and slogged for the next 7 months. And then one fine day I realized that I had transmogrified. Into a machine. That I had a family back in another state, that I used to have a boy friend who no longer could put up with me and that I had a dream (Thanks to English Literature) came back to my mind. Continuous period of work and at times over work without adequate pay off.
I was sick and tired of devising innovative methods of my cost benefit matrix that would make the otherwise bleak picture look bright.
And then I realized that I was tired. Tired of running after an illusion for so long and escaping all those in the process that made me essentially the person that I am today. 24 years of endless day dream should not go for a waste…what if I am to die tomorrow? So many road crashes..what if the next target is me? No one will even know me? That I existed, I am someone, I could have been someone!!
In the meanwhile I was working and was getting further sucked into the mechanics of life that I consider a rut!! A rut that coverts men into living robots. I was thoroughly lonely. The crowd seemed alien to me and friends distant. Songs were noises and films a real life drama glorified. Books? Stopped reading. At times however, I did relive and cement my conviction on the ideology of the Alchemist.
I was losing my mental peace. Darkness appealed me. I thought of visiting a psychiatrist…never did though! Was jealous of all the budding Chetan Bhagats…Then I resigned!
Right now am in my office in front of a familiar workstation amidst unfamiliar faces. The same faces that were so gentle and loving and demanding…now so distant and alien. People say that I have taken an emotional decision. Might be true..but am I wrong? I want to follow my ruse, my passion. But thoughts fail to come coherently, framing even a simple structured line seems to be a Herculean task.
Diverse thoughts and even diverse crossroads of life! To stay in the company seems lucrative, I might be relocated where I can carve a niche for myself. Exploit my potential…or I might have to endanger everything to pursue a dream that seems distant and elusive now. My confidence is at the lowest possible cadre. I slashed my wrists recently, started puffing my lungs out..but I was back to square one. Whom do I blame? English honours that inculcated within me desires that are no longer extant in today’s world.
Extinct??
Am I a prehistoric creature in this modern world with a simple dream of living a simple life by professing my thoughts to the world?