One week… One week that I’ve been struggling with this diary entry, writing one and deleting it as soon as I was done with it. So ironically, I kept judging previous attempts as inadequate and below my acceptable standard, that I pushed the “delete” button without any bit of remorse or guilt. However, tonight, it is going to be different.
What to say… or how should I start saying it? I’m just here, in my room where I tend to be every night, with one leg set on the handicapped Three-In-One printer and the other one not minding the white keyboard placed on it. I just try to keep typing, breathing regularly and repeatedly, regularly…repeatedly. Among the many things that have changed in my life, one thing hasn’t. The way I play with my hair. I should know, I’ve been playing with that same curl since the afternoon. Music is playing loudly next to me… I’m not focusing on the lyrics.
Two weeks ago, I have promised myself that something good was to happen to me on 07/07/07… and eventually nothing did. Even worse, I felt empty the entire day. And now, now I’m here, playing with my hair and clicking the Alt+F4 button because people are dumb and they just don’t get it that I don’t want to talk to them tonight. Tonight, I just want to be left alone, no exceptions. It might be the effect of that gloomy song I’m listening to at the moment, dropping with pain and confusion, but it’s good. It keeps my mind away from that feeling I have, that feeling that reminds me how it felt like to have weighty hair extensions attached to my head in my cousin’s wedding… How is that relevant? It is relevant… Because right now and inexplicably, my heart is heavy and my throat is sore. One week that I’ve been struggling with this diary entry, and so ironically, I still don’t know what to say.
Today I had such a great time at Lama’s house, not because we did something unusual, not at all. The only thing we did was talking, from 12.30 to 6.30… talking. I was in such a pleasant mood and thrilled with the multiple topics we got to discuss, that on my way back I just switched mood as swiftly as I switched gears… I felt so gloomy and down… and right now, I’m lacking the exact adjective that could describe my current state of being. To my entertainment, people would go that extra mile just to annoy me tonight. Is it unusual? Unusual that tonight, I just want to be left alone, no exceptions?
As the song repeats itself and the words keep pouring out, I feel the load getting heavier. Sometimes I just wish I could cry if it gets it out of my system. If it gets “it”, it being that anonymous unknown murky feeling hunting me. Among the various topics discussed, I shared a secret with my friend… I told her about one particular situation that took place at the age of 17, and how proud my dad was about me. I chose that particular situation because that particular situation showed me how people tend to act sometimes. It also showed me that my reaction was successful. However what I’m not sure about is my actual reaction…my actual feeling. Would I be considered too awful to just want to get a break from everyone, including people who are the closest to me? Would I be considered as inconsiderate because I indirectly blame them for not noticing how down I feel? For not understanding?
One week it took me to submit the new diary entry, not because I never tried, I swear I did. But it seems that the only thing I’m truly capable of expressing is the sadness felt within, just because I wouldn’t succeed in expressing it otherwise. Therefore, tonight…I just want to be left alone because no one will understand. Pretty much no one ever does anyway...
(07/08/07- 10:52 pm- Lebanon)