Infidelity affects 8 out of 10 marriages in this country. This is a
shocking statistic! What happens between the time
the marriage vows are
spoken and that first episode of cheating? It''s an assumption, of
course, but I don''t think that 80% of the people who get married intend
to cheat or be part of a love triangle.I decided to tackle
unearthing the real truth about how and why this happens. On one very
popular web site there were 260 posts from both sexes commenting about
forgiving and forgetting infidelities. I read every one of them. With
one exception, the perception conveyed was that one party was an
innocent victim of the other''s philandering. It seemed to me that
everyone was looking at adultery as a cause of marital discord. From my
perspective, there are only rare exceptions to the fact that adultery,
cheating, or affairs are SYMPTOMS of long standing marital problems.
The cause occurred possibly even before the marriage vows were uttered.Let''s
go back to the beginning of a relationship. What really happens before
two people decide to get married? They have been dating and checking
each other out. You all know that women do the choosing. Men respond to
a woman''s signals and a relationship moves forward at a pace governed
by the woman''s appetite. So how does a couple who is totally in love
and committed to each other end up in the predicament dictated by an
affair?I think the predicament results from the general
consensus of opinions and expectations generated by a marriage. In all
of the posts that I read it seemed that "being married" automatically
presupposed that fidelity is the most precious aspect of the marriage.
It appears that everything that could go wrong would be tolerated,
everything except infidelity. I do not support tolerating infidelity.
What I''m wondering is what are the reasons that people actually get
married? Do they get married because they are in love? Want to have
sex? Want exclusivity? Want emotional, financial, sexual security? Want
to have children? It seems like the thing to do? Or do they get married
because they have found someone with whom they are career compatible,
financially balanced, sexually attracted, intellectually well-matched,
culturally congenial, religiously aligned, madly in love, with whom
they want to procreate and raise children according to mutually
agreeable standards? Do all people get married for the same reasons? I
don''t think so.I believe that some people get married for love,
some for lust, some for status, some for money, some for security, some
for convenience, some to have children, some looking for parental
guidance, some for business reasons etc. etc. And if that is true, why
is it that everyone who gets married expects adherence to the same
standards as far as fidelity is concerned? The expectation seems to be
that everyone gets married for passionate, romantic love and fidelity
is the highest value of marriage.I don''t presume to have all the
answers, but possibly some suggestions as to the seeds of infidelity.
Let''s start with a couple who declare that they are in love and want to
commit to each other. They are starry eyed and the state of "in love"
creates a certain blindness and denial especially when this person
seems to be almost perfectly aligned with the important values you have
designated to be essential in the person you are going to marry. So
this person lies to you about something or breaks a promise to you, or
does something that totally violates your ethics, but you love him/her
and he/she is so perfect otherwise. It''s just a small thing and you can
certainly tolerate a little thing like that. After all, you are getting
married and that means you can work it out. Love conquers all. Here is
the problem. Love doesn''t solve anything. People come to agreement or
negotiate boundaries and decide to be together because they want to be
together. They choose marriamarriage and the
boundaries that each couple wants to live by must be negotiated.
Obviously each and every scenario cannot be discussed ahead of time,
but the individual standards of each partner in each marriage must be
decided prior to the vows. When a woman/man settles (that includes
compromises, tolerates, sells out) on a value that is significant to
her/him, the bond is compromised. It makes it okay to do it again,
whatever "it" is.According to the Man/Woman Strategy that I
subscribe to, women have the power in relationship and their job is to
provide appetite, which challenges the man who loves her to produce
results. The man who wants to please his woman will produce those
results as long as she believes in him and respects him as the
producer. The other component in this neat little package is the sex.
Men will do anything for sex. Women love sex as much as men do; it''s
just not socially acceptable for them to say so. Men get their pleasure
from a woman''s pleasure and "most women lie to men about their
satisfaction" which leads to the giant gap in the presumption that
marriage presumes passionate, romantic love and fidelity are the
highest values. Women on the whole are not able to maintain the level
of energy and self esteem necessary to always validate for a man what
sexually satisfies her. Thus the communication regarding sex gets
distorted. Men, unless someone instructs them, can not be expected to
know what areas of a woman''s body are responsive to erotic touch. It''s
different for every woman (man too). So here''s what happens. Women get
pregnant. Pregnancy creates enormous changes in a woman''s body and
physiology, which at times do not make sex appealing. Women become
mothers. Parenting, especially mothering is a 24-hour job, which
includes massive sleep deprivation, and instincts, which consume even
the most, prepared. Generally, both men and women have jobs, which
consume time and energy. Women also feel responsible for the upkeep of
the home. Not that men do not, but somehow for a woman five million
years of homemaking has become instinctual. So what does this entire
story mean? It means life gets in the way of relationship and unless
some time and energy is devoted to the relationship as an entity, that
state of "in love" that everyone marries into will disintegrate.There
are exceptions, but generally speaking most people do not intend to
cheat on their spouse after the wedding nor do they intentionally
pursue an affair. So here is how an affair begins. One or the other
partner is not getting his/her needs met for whatever reasons. That
person encounters someone at work, or at a party, or in the
neighborhood, who notices him/her and sees something that attracts.
There is nothing like a flirtation to restore a sense of self-esteem.
Initially, the married person resists but enjoys the attention. That
person then goes home to his/her spouse and hints that he/she needs
more attention. The spouse at home who assumes that because they are
married, everything is great and there is always time for taking care
of the spouse later, ignores the hint That, my friends, is the
beginning of the affair. When one partner seeks emotional or physical
or intellectual support from someone of the opposite sex outside of the
marriage, the seeds have been sown.The marriage is taken for
granted. The almighty wedding ring is supposed to be able to bind
people to their vows automatically. This is the false presumption that
leads us to the incorrigible statistic that 80% of marriages are
affected by infidelity. Marriage doesn''t work by itself. It takes two
people who pay attention to each other''s needs. It takes two people who
believe in each other and validate each other. It takes two people who
want to love each other and who continually approve of each other which
allows the vulnerability necessary to be honest about their personal
needs.What should be d