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"Dear Diary"- Gloomy fall
Dear Diary... (October 5 2006, 02:36)
Gloomy fall... Some would say it is supposed to be, since winter is announcing
itself. Not mine... Waiting for this specific season is something I look forward to, knowing that I love everything about it: The cool breeze, the early nightfalls, clear skies, new fashion catalogues...
Gloomy yet the sky is clear, foggy yet the sun is shining. It''s all in my head, it''s all in my heart and unfortunately the fogg is keeping me from knowing the rest of the path, me who is used to planning everything in advance.
I had a reason to be down with love, love who came at a different season. It broke my heart and he stepped on the pieces, leaving me wounded and weakened, unprepared for other seasons...
I knew that the only way to deal with stressful priorities is by having a clear mind, just like the sky tonight.
I tried to remember my last heartache but the image was so blurry, like fall fog... Blurry because I forget about everything that hurt previously... It hurt so badly that I would just want to erase it from my life, as a closed chapter sealed with my tears.
Today I cried... not for a specific reason, it seemed as if my eyes shrunk and tears couldn''t fit anymore. There they went, rolling down my cheeks. I tolerated stuff I was not obliged to bare, that at a specific moment it feels I can''t bare anymore and it all exploded in my face.
Sometimes I get the feeling that It''s too good to be true, though its lacking many parts that trap it in its virtuality... But I like it. I like many parts about it that I can memorize tiniest details, something I stopped doing ever since they stopped asking us to memorize History by heart.
It is that History was never my best class because what is in the past should be left in the past, especially if it is about bad memories and catastrophies... Still, I managed to clinch a 17/20 on my official exam, which was a happy ending for school days. But even back then I was not concerned about the ending... I knew in my heart that it was going to be a happy one.
Somehow and so ironically, it feels that risking this ending might cost me more than the official exam''s one, in case it had ended badly... I''m not ready for a new heartache, I won''t tolerate a gloomy fall.
Fall is my season and fall is my reason to forget about spring''s heartaches and summer''s down with love period.
So ironically, you find yourself memorizing every single facial detail of someone... and you never saw it comming!
My thing is... I love happy endings, I love to win and I crave for challenges. I wouldn''t mind running miles and miles for my goal, because deep down inside I know... If it''s meant to happen... it will!
Published: October 04, 2007
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