I have considered
leaving my job not because I’ve lost interest in it but
because of some people and the system itself
has slowly become too
irksome and I can’t help but to build an invisible wall, put a
considerable amount of distance to keep my sanity and uphold my
conviction. A few good friends have made me reconsider my intention and
now I’m in a state of blah
thinking of the possible consequences if I
choose to leave or stay.
For
the record, I’m holding my post for almost a year now, and experience
wise I would want to earn one more year to further explore the things
that I wasn’t able to learn during my stay in the company.
But
then it aint easy to decide for there are several factors that I need
to carefully consider and weigh before rushing into indecision. (It’s
my life anyway, so I need to be cautious in every aspect to avoid the
unavoidable? the inevitable?)
Weighing the consequences I come up with random thoughts that make me more perplex.
One,
if I leave my job some may judge or scorn me, but what bothers me most
is that I don’t want to appear so helpless and transparent in their
sight. They may also come up with preconceived notions of me without
actually knowing the real me. If you think about it, it’s sort of
unfair in my part.
Two,
I can’t help but to holdback too, thinking of
leaving a few good
friends in the workplace makes me lonesome, coz for once they’ve been
so supportive and although I’m a novice in the workplace, I never felt
belittled by them.
Three
Considering
a week or a month long vacation. Some may call it escape, but for me
there’s some thing magical about taking a vacation. Moments like these
are like living the monastic life. All I have is myself and the task
that I need to do. The moments of not being confine in the office is
like living with the silence of my own solitude.
Being
aware of the creaks and noises that the surrounding makes and the fact
that my prospect city is a city half urban-half rural (I know) I cant
help but to savor the day, the good old days where in I can simply wake
up at 9 am, eat my cereal and sip my coffee, then looked outside my
window, feel the subtle heat of the morning sun in my face, and hear
the hoots of birds in the mid morning and their
chirp in the mid afternoon. There, I can pay attention to my own
thoughts, without the worries, away from the frills and the bustling
reality of city life.
When I am paying attention and reflecting on things I noticed that the seeming sparseness is hardly sparse at all.
Yeah,
there is so much going on and all of it simultaneously. The
interconnectedness of things unravels before me, it’s like a still life
painting, full of vivid colors and hue and I’m the astute observer
staring at it trying to capture the exactness of the strokes the curves
and the color combination.
When the nightfall weaves its charm seamlessly. I can feel the rhythm the way the wind rustle the few leaves of a nearby tree.
I sat silently in my chair, pondering on my dilemma of staying or leaving my present job along with a lot of what ifs.
Leaving
excites me; it means traversing new avenues and venturing into a more
challenging path. But the fear of not having anything new and noble to
do to replace the old one is like a shadow stabbing my back, same thing
on the idea of being deprived of our simple pleasures, this can send
you to ennui, and if worst comes to worst – idleness.
Idleness
however doesn’t mean entirely negative. In the brink of not doing
anything, submitting ourselves and plunging into quiet aloneness can be
a rewarding too. Here, we learn that the self is largely undiscovered
territory and there is so much to explore.
Our
fears, our anxieties, simple joys, our inner monologues reveal
themselves and when we listen to them instead of resisting we can get a
better grasp of who the person that inhabits us may actually be.
And here we realized that the best surprises are the ones we learn about ourselves.
So
there, I don’t need to fret, and burden myself thinking whether I’ll
stay or leave, I’ll just sit back in my own solitude and take things as
they come my way that is “carpe diem” live life with a positive
enthusiasm and have the utmost will to continue living.