Pictures
Staring out of the window, watching the colours roll
past has a sort of therapeutic quality for me. Every journey unveils something new. Another shade, scheming colours changing and evolving from delicate silvers and greys to vivid greens and blues, melting back into ambers and reds. Mountains, skies, nature, all so secure, settled into their own perfectly circular pattern. If only my own pattern were so perfected. Looking at the mountains, with their greatness and might reminds me of my own mortality and weaknesses. Simultaneously reminding me of the vastness of life and the world I have yet to discover. Music must always accompany these journeys. The music I choose fills me with thoughts from the past or expectations of the future. More often than not I am filled with nostalgia and the memories of people and events gush through my mind, arousing contradictory feelings in my being.
It’s at times like these, with the rolling slide show of twilight pinks and blues accompanied by the painful throbbing of a guitar reminds me of him. A great loneliness surges up through my centre as I
Look out of the passenger window, feeling a strange sort of catharsis almost, pain perversely entwined with the pleasure experienced in the past. I can picture it as if I was the onlooker. Perhaps I was always
removed from myself. Perhaps that was why things ended as they did. Yet I could not have been that far removed, for I still feel the gentleness of his hold. The strength of his hand contrasted with my slight, cotton-covered frame. Yet he retained a
tenderness that I cannot forget, a tenderness that made me feel empowered and at the same time dependant. Still I find it easier to remember this shot of my life as a spectator. It was a perfect shot. Tossouled black curls resting on my untied coat which half covering my favourite halter neck dress, hands placed securely behind his neck, a final goodnight kiss. The final genuine
kiss from him. I continue to look out of the car window. I am in a
place where I am most comfortable, surveying the world through a window. From my seat I assure myself that the world is a huge place, full of possibilities and opportunities. I remind myself that the world is full of people and it is nothing short of insane to allow myself to be hurt or affected by such an undeserving few. Looking out at it as one looks at a film with my carefully selected soundtrack, I am protected and most importantly I am uninvolved.
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