Incompatibility...the fate of two items that cannot be true simultaneously, unable to exist together in harmony. When minds
are the only engines working, incompatibility is easily pointed out and therefore avoided... However when feelings butt in, one often tries to hide incompatibility, sleeping in denial... until the doomed reality takes place: A clash.
Clash is often used to talk about issues such as Clash of cultures, Clash of nations, ... However I have recently experienced some
clashes of my own, not ones that I''ve lived, but clashes which I have spotted. During a lunch I have been invited to, a conversation took place and so traditionally...it was about me. Why is that? Because to people like my hosts, I am one weird human being and my ambitions are one sign of craziness that they just do not understand. While I was talking about the privacy I needed in my relationships and how I found it positive for the couple to spend some time away from one another, my interlocutor came up with the conclusion that I am to marry a foreigner... Beats me how such a conclusion was reached. Then when I elaborated my vision of women being more capable then men... my interlocutor lively disagreed, argumenting the previous with a naive "women should be feminine"... Again, huh?! When would people start to realize that a woman''s strength does not decrease her femininity, but on the contrary! If women aren''t more capable then men, then how come men aren''t able to give birth to human beings? This wasn''t coincidental. To spare myself another addition of meaningless replies, I switched the topic... just when my interlocutor was explaining how she defends her kids because she worries about them and wants them to know she worries.
On a first round, I thought that this was an issue of "Generation clash"... but it came to me later on in the evening that I was wrong, when my mom out of nowhere just sent me an sms message that revealed... "I love u". I smiled when I read it, because I was out of home the entire day and my mom had no idea about my location. She didn''t bother in sending a message asking for information, she trusted me... She didn''t want me to know she was worried, she wanted me to know she loved me. And that made me smile. It made me smile because that by itself revealed how she worried about me and how she believed in me.. It is not a generation clash, it is a mentality clash.
While I was reading my mother''s sms, sitting alone at a window that showed the disagreable part of my neighborhood, I thought more about that mentality clash... Did it ever happen to you, dear reader, to grow up with a childhood friend sharing everything from food to thoughts... and then ten years later find yourself completely different that it just suffocates you? I remembered a previous gathering with that childhood buddy and how I qualified our dialogue as merely...
Stupid! The worst part is, my interlocutors never know that.
As I sat at that window, I also noticed another type of clashes, that is related to hearts this time... Yep, that famous Relationship clashes. It did happen to me a couple of times before, when I just wanted to blame it on others, to deny the fact that we are not meant to be, and even there were times where I just insisted that the feeling would become mutual eventually. But it never did. Clashes did. And naturally, I surrendered to fate and it only made me wiser with time, as I learned how to pick up on differences no matter how hurtful it could get. Waiting at that window wasn''t as boring as you might imagine, dear reader, nor as lonely as it might have looked, nor as anxious as a cognitive dissonance might be. It wasn''t till I got a phone call I was somehow expecting that I started to think about things, before finally writing a diary entry in the middle of the day, which I just deleted, starting it with "Stupid people do not know they are stupid".
I woke up today with a lazy fed energy to engage in any sort of activity... I''m tired. For one of the rare times, people are tiring me. Not my thoughts, but people... It has been thirty minutes that I''ve been trying to focus on this note. My head is hurting so I just untied my hair... Let''s see how that works. I usually love it when I find numbers sitting next to my inbox. It announces me that I have new messages to read, sent from people who have something new to communicate. And for my disapointment, I keep pressing that delete button.. My latest victim was one amazing person who had some amazing points of view about me. Here is what the genius thinks:
" girls like u will surely become a spinster
u will see :)
but successful, this i know for sure
u will become sucessful but with empty heart...
i pity u!" Einstein pitties me and the best adjective he could come up with is "spinster"... ain''t that a blast? Einstein just illustrated my entire diary entries.. Yep...I rest my case. Stupid people do not know they are stupid and we are left with the poisoned gift of knowing... Awareness sucks indeed.
(07/01/07- 1:51 am- Lebanon)