Don't sit there staring
looking at me with a look of distaste
you don't
know anything about me
and for such a "free-thinking" society
you sure come across as base.
What are you looking at?
My zit on my chin-the imperfections of my skin?
The hairy mustache-yea, I forgot to wax.
I really don't care-I'm an all natural kind of gal-
So what if I don't look it
with my long black hair and breasts-
I'll tell you a little secret
I didn't develop these boobies until after college
That's also when I added on weight,
cut my hair so I'd fit right in.
Did I tell you how I gained 40 pounds?
In six short months-
I always
say it was the Depo-Provera
But I think it was my desire
for people to STOP STARING!
Whenever I look in the mirror
I still see that 12 year old fat girl
Who had to cross the street
whenever a passerby would near her.
Boys-they never liked me
A shock, when they started approaching.
It took me a long time to get over
what my family continually told me
about my physical appearance-
Did you know my great-grandma used to say-
"You need to lose weight
and start taking care of yourself"
Of course not, you've never even guessed.
My childhood "best friend"
used to laugh at my roundness-
"Your face, the shape of a basketball!
When did your cheekbones start sticking out?"
"When I was eighteen
but probably before then-
You just never noticed,
because you weren't around me"
To remind me of all my flaws-
that's why we’re no longer friends-
a friend shouldn't make you feel small.
People kept telling me I was smart
and that knowledge was enough for me to at least try,
and even with that, I failed,
my mother telling me I should be smarter
passing grades and leaving everyone in the dust.
What does that mean mother?
To a nine year old it's
"you're stupid"
School, music, athletics, always naturally easy
But relationships with people-well
I made them feel the way I was treated-
the way I still feel inside.
Going to the airport is when I noticed
how attractive I had become,
looking at the all ugly masses.
My artist's eye,
could always detect physical beauty.
I always had my mind, for false confidence
and in high school I got involved
doing every sport and activity
I could possibly physically handle
An AP scholar, Honors student-all labels just to prove I was smart.
Now I'm starting over-quitting my previous life.
And just as I've known since seventh grade, looks fade,
I've discovered so-called friends disappear faster.
No longer the high leadership position, a role I had for 6 years-
worked my ass off-
I was never given anything.
Just seized opportunities
opened the door for many while sharing all I knew,
always doing the
best I could,
helping anyone that asked it.
Saying my opinions out loud
When there were times it was probably
better to stay quiet,
or Sugarcoat like everyone else did.
Why? When that doesn't get the point across?
And I try to say it nicely-over and over again-
People only remember the 5th time,
when they've become blunt, abrasive comments
so they think it gives them the right
to tell me I need to fail,
so I can relate with others-
please, I've failed before.
Just because it's not rock-bottom doesn't mean it's
worth any less-
always too smart to let that happen.
But I internalized every word spoken-
and I have to admit, my family was onto something-
they did the best they could,
just reacting, to the lessons they already knew
trying to teach me how others really view me.
Empowering me with the strength of anger,
always knowing I had "a problem."
What the hell? Everyone's got problems,
not my fault if you don't know how to solve yours!
Sure, on the outside you only see-
what you want to see-
An Asian fetish, a model minority,
someone to give you "sucky-sucky"
Fuck YOU-that is not me and never has been
Okay, maybe I went through a phase where I experimented often-
never in the way you think
And not for the past seven years-
For I was engaged then.
But he was just like the rest of you-
Taking, Taking, never thinking to give back.
And me, always giving, trying to prove I'm worth loving.
I'm not afraid to be alone and I know what love truly is.
So if you don't accept me or sit their judging me
Screw you-I don't need to know
another parasite in my life-I've always hated worms-
and that's why I seem aloof.
Hard on the outside, mush on the inside-
A loner, a loser, hoity-toity, bitchy user.
NO WAY! Just because I worked for Corporate America,
and wanted to be a CEO, so I could create change
and impact how we think of today,
because over the years
it's gotten more and more fucked up-this original system of barter.
When did pieces of paper determine your worth?
Or quarterly earnings lose sight of a company's purpose?
What happened to innovative ideas, and having a service that works!
Treating people like you want to be treated
respecting others just like idealists.
So now you think "I'm HOT"
what the fuck does that mean?
That you want to screw me, twice?
First lustfully, then literally?
I'm a person too, and just because you think it's easy-it's not.
And yes, i was born with lots of gifts-thank my dead parents for this.
Don't you think I'd give up everything I have,
my looks, my brains, my natural talents,
just to have them back.
Even if I was a bastard child, at least I'd feel unconditionally loved
A struggle all adopted children go through-
Which is what my new parents tried to do-
Doing the best they could...I know,
I probably couldn't have done it any better.
And I thank them for at least giving me a hard outer layer.
I've heard it before, "you take things too personally"
well, how else am I suppose to take it?
Do I treat you this pitifully?
What, do what you do, and start talking about others,
just to make myself feel better?
Sorry, not my style and certainly not me-
I know it hurts when people see what they only want to see-
I'll never be like "one of them" I don't believe in joining hypocrisy.
I've waited this long, I can wait some more
I'll find people out there who value my core
People who leave all stereotypes at the door.
Cuz I've found them before-those who ignore,
the thoughts in your head planted straight on your face
Intuitive-I bet you never suspected-
how could you when you're just filled with hate.
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