A debt too great to repay in any single lifetime. The comforting embrace of the noose, the loving kiss of steel. Reminds me that I still live, the promise filled with optimistic self-belief. I have failed, too hooked on this limbo to test my mortality. A crime beyond any act of those consumed by their madness, a punishment beyond any incarceration. This judge that sits on my shoulder, the voice of doubt and cold ugly hatred for the beast. The lone voice of sanity, how many times has he endangered my life? How many times has he saved my soul? I can only return his
hate,
ground as I am down into the dirt,
afraid to raise my scaled face up towards the sun. Afraid to catch the eye of sweet oblivion. To see the world as god might see it, a hateful paradise of ungrateful souls. Repulsive and fuckable. I long to tear back the cocoon of pink, fleshy ignorance. To free the angel, to end this fear. Their righteous quest for blood and jewel and sweating flesh. Is it any wonder that I despair of humanity?
Did I overcompensate again? It’s so hard to live
outside of the extremes, outside of a clear identity. Who am I
today? Who am I to judge you with your endless love equalled only by this all-consuming sea of hate. Buried deeply, barely within reach, visible only because you will for it to be. A hatred we share? A statement I doubt very much indeed. To follow the shape of a horse but not it’s colour, I proclaim with confidence that this beast is a zebra. Symptoms are most flexible, as is our vision, blurred by the desire for a common soul. Always to live at the verge of emotion, feet dangling comfortably over the edge. Sucked down by the force of the vacuum, or perhaps by the hand that rests upon your back. There is so much further to fall from up here, so much blood to
break the landing. So much blood upon my lips, more than I can bear for today. Perhaps tomorrow I shall return, I do not know if I can sleep
The sands move. Collapse
beneath my feet and lead me to a reunion of the demons I must cast away. As old friends, as lovers we embrace. They cannot believe how much stronger I have become, we laugh and drink together. To break my halo will be a most satisfying game. I have my doubts, I have my blade, the connection flickers and dies. Leaves me alone with just my conscience standing between me and the will of darkness. I hate them both with a passion. The creature that has plagued my life and the cruel defence against it’s words. Love and hate carved across my body, the constant fight for advantage entwines the two. Leaves me no middle ground that does not crumble beneath the weight of my guilt. I lie back, place my hands in chains and order them to rape me again and again and again and again and again. While such battle rages how might I find peace?
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