Her Turn
Food Fight
"Every day, Seth and I argue about what to have for dinner," said Liz, 49, a business consultant
and mother of Sam, 17, and David, 13. "If we don''t settle the menu in the morning, we''ll bicker by phone all day long. Often the easiest solution is to eat out. But then we fight about the restaurant."
"Seth is a steak-and-potatoes guy who tolerates the occasional chicken breast or bowl of pasta. I, on the other hand, will eat anything -- and it shows. During our 23-year marriage, I have gained 85
pounds and with one exception have never stuck to a diet. But Seth bears some of the blame -- he sabotages my dieting!
"He won''t cook unless he''s grilling outdoors. And if I prepare a healthy dinner, he''ll push the food around his plate and sulk. The boys have picked up on our bad habits. From Seth they''ve learned to be picky, and from me they''ve learned to equate food with comfort -- to the point where they both have
weight problems, too.
Her Background
"My love affair with food dates back to childhood, when my parents used food as a reward for every occasion. If there was something to celebrate, we''d have cake; if one of us four kids was sad, an ice-cream cone would chase the blues away. As a girl I wasn''t quite fat, but I was never really thin, either. I always got that classic line, ''You have such a pretty face -- if only you''d lose a few pounds.''
"My late father worked in purchasing for a department store; Mom was a homemaker but worked part time. She always drove herself hard and expected no less of us. When we didn''t meet her exacting standards, she''d guilt-trip us. Even now, at 74, she prepares a daily to-do list and gets upset if, say, bad weather keeps her from pruning her rosebushes.
"I met Seth when I was a graduate student in New York City. I''d taken a waitressing job to help pay for school, and he was my first customer. We hit it off instantly, discussing politics, travel, and our love of Big Band music. Seth, who was newly divorced with a 5-year-old son, not only was smart, articulate, and funny but handsome, too.
"We got married six months after we met. We had a sizzling sex life, but as happy as we were, those early years were stressful. Seth shared custody of his son Todd, who''s now 28, with his ex-wife, and the two of them were always wrangling about that. After I got my MBA, I had a grueling schedule, while Seth, a mechanical engineer, got laid off twice.
"We were both thrilled when, five years into our marriage, I became pregnant. But that''s when my weight gain started. I put on 80 pounds with Sam and lost just 50. With David I gained 35 pounds and never dropped one. When the boys were little, I was too busy to diet, and over the years I packed on another 20 pounds.
"We Can''t Do This Alone"
"Since turning 40, though, I''ve tried every diet known to man. One month I''m up, the next I''m down. Five years ago Seth, who had also put on weight, joined Weight Watchers with me. With his support I lost 40 pounds and started exercising. But after Seth lost 45 pounds, he stopped. I couldn''t stay motivated to go it alone and I gained it all back.
"That''s when Seth changed. He became hostile and began making nasty comments about my eating habits. If I reach for a piece of bread, he''ll ask, ''Aren''t you on a diet?'' or if I manage to lose a few pounds, he''ll say, ''You''ll never keep it off.'' It hurts my feelings, and it seems unfair, since he has regained a lot of his lost weight, too.
"I can''t remember the last time we had sex. Seth rejects my overtures and never initiates. I feel so unloved and alone. Last year, when my dad died, I hit bottom. But his death reminded me that life is too short to be miserable. ''I love you, but I can''t live like this,'' I told Seth when I asked him to try marriage counseling. ''We need to change, but we can''t do it on our own.''"