Microsoft Buys Year 1995

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Original Author: anoumous

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In a surprise move, Microsoft
chairman
Bill
Gates

announced yesterday that he has purchased the
entire
calendar year of 1995. 1995 will be replaced
instead
by "Year-M" to be followed by actual 1995.
"Windows 95 was not going to ship on schedule,"
Gates
said. "But we couldn't change the name again...
people
were
starting to get confused. So instead of spending a
lot
of
time and money on a new marketing campaign we
decided
just
to buy 1995. That way we get an extra year to debug
Windows
and get it shipped for what will be the new 1995."
Microsoft arranged this coup by leveraging its
financial
assets to bail out the Federal Government and pay
off
the
national debt. The IRS is being disbanded for next
year,
but taxes will be collected as usual with one
change:
all
checks must be made payable to "Bill Gates."
A side benefit of this purchase is that Gates now
owns
the
judicial branch for the duration of "Year-M."
Speculators
stated that Gates would likely use this opportunity
to
dismiss the numerous lawsuits pending against
Microsoft.
Gates apparently feels this would be cheaper than
actually
hiring lawyers to represent his rickety cases.
In a related story, God has filed suit against
Gates
because of his purchase, claiming time to be the
sole
property of God. In a countersuit, Gates claims God
is
a
monopoly and demands that He be broken up
into "deity
conglomerates."
"Gosh," said Gates. "They broke up AT&T... why
can't we
break up God?"
Inside sources at Microsoft said that Gates was
looking
for
an early resolution to the suit by hiring God as a
programmer. Evidently God has the exact profile
that
Gates
is looking for in a programmer: He doesn't mind
rainy
climates, doesn't need any money, isn't married,
and
can
work for at least 6 days without sleeping.
"If we could just get some employees like that,"
Gates
lamented, "we would be able to ship Windows 95 on
time." ..

Published: July 18, 2006

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