Write your abstract
here.
The following secret information was obtained after
much
great effort
from Microsoft (someone there didn't
turn
off
their network-linked NT for the weekend). It
appears
that
the
participants for their million-dollar
useability
labs
were selected not at random, but from the results
of a
personality form. The skewed data was then used to
support
an already-final version of their Windows 95
operating
system and not to aid an in-development product, as
Microsoft has suggested.
The results of these personality tests showed that:
1. All participants reported that, no, they would
not
mind
having their thumb repeatedly struck by a hammer.
2. The users remarked that they did keep their
important
papers on a gas-soaked shelf within their
fireplace, so
they found the Windows may-delete-it-at-any-time
attitude
comfortably familiar.
3. The group unanimously agreed that, yes, it made
sense to
hook their pets up to the Internet.
4. The users were under the impression that the
slang, "Word!", referred to a hip Microsoft
product.
5. To take out the trash, the participants would
not
mind
booting up their computers, dialing out to a fee-
based
World Wide Web site, running a Java applet, working
their
way through several menus and forms, turning off
the
computer, and then taking the trash out themselves
anyway.
6. The users checked the "would purchase within 1
year"
box
for the proposed product, Microsoft Dentist.
7. When asked the trademarked question, "Where do
you
want
to go today?", all of the participants
responded, "The
bathroom."
8. As to whether drag-and-drop made Windows use
easier,
the
males in the study replied, yes, forced bungie-
jumping
in
womens' clothing did make computer operations seem
a
breeze
in comparison.
9. As for the potential annoyance factor of lockups
and
reboots, the users noted it was acceptable, since
they
have
all grown accustomed to repeatedly turning their
cars
on
and off while driving along the freeway.
10. All of the participants were legally dead. ..