Write your abstract
here.
Who is Bill Gates, the man behind the multi-
billion
dollar
Microsoft
computer empire? Underneath his nerdy
exterior,
is there simpply another nerd? And what does
someone
who
has $17 billion and no hobbies do for fun? We
called
talk-
show hostess Ricki Lake and asked her to do two
things:
First, do an investigative report of Gates for
MAD,
and
second, try to avoid cleaning out Denny's
entire
all
you
can eat breakfast bar in a single sitting! She
agreed
to do
the investigation!
RIKI: It's been reported that your house is
worth
$40
million!
BILL: And yet, I married a simple girl.
RIKI: What makes you say that?
BILL: She signed a prenuptial agreement that my
shyster
lawyer drafted! If that's not simple, I don't
know
what
is.
RIKI: Tell me, what kind of a woman goes for an
arrogant,
unattractive, dandruff-laden billionaire?
BILL: All of them!
(Bill and Riki enter the Microsoft Headquarters
and
all
the
employees bow down to him.)
BILL: People used to stop working when they
left
the
office. But thanks to laptop computers, people
now
work
on
trains, airplanes, buses, everywhere! Right now
we're
developing a computer in a washcloth!
RIKI: Let me guess - so you can work in the
shower.
BILL: Yeah, well, otherwise, it's just wasted
time.
(They enter another room)
BILL: At my company we encourage horseplay.
This
type
of
activity really gets their creative juices
flowing!
RIKI: I've never seen professionals acting so
childishly in
my life!
BILL: Then I guess you missed Marcia Clark and
Johnnie
Cochran at the O.J. trial. (Then, to an
employee) "You
stupid, ignorant, knuckle-scraping primate!"
RIKI: Your employees must love you because of
the
way
you
speak to them.
BILL: It's called "tough love."
RIKI: What's the difference between tough love
and
acting
like a jerk?
BILL: If you call it tough love, you can take
the
position
that you're doing it for their sake.
RIKI: With all of your verbal tirades, how do
you
keep
cohesion in your company?
BILL: We start each day with the Pledge of
Allegiance!
CROWD OF EMPLOYEES: We pledge allegiance to
Bill
Gates...
BILL: It needed a little upgrading.
RIKI: It's been reported that you approach
software
makers
and offer to acquire them. But once you learn
until
he
calls your name.
RIKI: You were aquiring software competitors at
an
alarming
rate before the Justice Department intervened
and
stopped
you.
BILL: Yes, and as a result we've changed our
focus.
We're
now planning to acquire an organization outside
the
software field which should end our problems.
RIKI: Which one?
BILL: The Justice Department. ...Girls in
college
never
dated me twice, and I don't know why. I always
took
them to
dinner and a show.
RIKI: Was it a Broadway show or a computer
trade
show
at
the convention center?
BILL: You think that's why I kept striking out?
RIKI: It's been written that you're so wrapped
up
in
your
head that you forget to bathe.
BILL: I can't be bothered with what other
people
say
about
me. Great men of science always work alone!
RIKI: (holding her nose) And now we know
why! ...In
interviews you've given over the years, I've
never
heard
you share
credit for Microsoft's success with
it's
co-
founder, Appalled Allen.
BILL: Just because what's-his-name co-founded
s half the credit! There's no pleasing that
guy!
Okay,
I'll give him credit, but I want credit for
giving
him
credit!
RIKI: You keep saying you're worth $17 billion.
What's
it
like to be the richest man in America?
BILL: I have my good days and my bad days, just
like
everyone else. But there's a difference.
RIKI: What's that?
BILL: On my bad days, I still make enough to
buy
the
island
of Tahiti!
RIKI: You've made it known that you haven't
left a
dime
in
your will for any children you might have. Is
that
because
you're cheap?
BILL: No, it's an insurance policy. This way,
my
children
won't blow my brains out for the $17 billion
inheritance.
You ever hear of the Menendez brothers?
RIKI: There's something different about you
from
all
the
other wealthy CEOs I've interviewed.
BILL: Is it my wit and charm?
RIKI: No, it's your body acne. Part with a buck
and
buy
yourself some skin cream! ...Tell me, where do
you
go
from
here?
BILL: I'm going to run for President of the
United
States.
I found a Vice-Presidential running mate who's
just
like me!
RIKI: Where in the world did you find another
billionaire,
technocrat fascist?
BILL: Where have you been hiding, schmendrick?
That's
my
man!
(Ross Perot is behind a podium, babbling
nonsense.)
ROSS: See, I envision an electronic town hall,
see... ...