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here.
REDMOND, Wash. -- April 10, 1995 -- Microsoft today
announced the release of Joe-Bob(tm), a
new software package that the company hopes will open up a huge
untapped
computer market. With the motto "The software for
the
rest
of y'all(tm)," Joe-Bob reaches out to the same
demographic
group that buys 4x4s, supports the gun lobby, and
drinks
Miller Lite.
"Computers have been commonly seen as for leftists
and
intellectuals," explains Microsoft spokesperson
Willy
Maclean, "but we've recently seen people like Newt
Gingrinch embracing new technology -- the time is
right
for
the rest of America to get wired!"
Instead of a
desktop or office metaphor, Joe-Bob
(tm)
puts
the user in a garage. "Click on the Lynyrd Skynyrd
tapes,
and get a complete music library in digital stereo.
click on the pinups, and get hooked up to the Internet's
hottest
gifs," the promotional materials explain.
The package does not include a word processor or
spreadsheet, but does have software that keeps
track of
the
football season, lists the best roadhouses between
Florida
and Nevada, and can even order spareribs and
beer at
the
click of a mouse.
"This is righteous software, man,"
says beta-tester
Billy
Grugg. "It thinks like I think." Brad Cunningham
agrees: "I
take it everywhere," he says, pointing to a Pentium
laptop
racked under his 12-gauge in his pickup truck.
Microsoft is
offering desktop users a special clip-on beer
holder
for
their monitors.
"Look at what's popular out there," says Microsoft
Chairman
Bill Gates. "Four of the top-10 Usenet newsgroups
are
about
sex, and splatter video games like Doom and Mortal
Kombat
are bestsellers. We're just catering to a demand,
that's
all."
Microsoft is reportedly distributing badges and
bumper
stickers saying things like "Joe-Bob: Make Your
Disk
Hard," "Go Microsoft -- Go Intel -- Go America,"
and "QuickTime is for Pinko Hippie Wimps."
Apple declined to comment...
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