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Getting divorced is a lonely feeling. It is associated with the pain and huge emotional upheavals of the months spent
in agonizing whether the step taken is right or wrong. Then comes the part when both the parties physically, and purposefully disengage themselves from each others life. It has been seen that for a woman ( there is no negating that many men too face the same trauma), it is difficult to let go of the mother instinct she has in pampering her husband. Even after being separated, a woman does worry as to whether the man is taking care of himself. Small things, but they matter a lot. It is easier for men to get into relationships, though it does not necessarily mean that they are happy about their single status, but for a woman, getting into a relation is a "not so easy proposition". There does not go a single day in the woman''s life when she does not agonize over the relation which has lost all its meaning, and her mind drives her nuts trying to extract "only ifs" which could have saved her marriage. For the woman, her marriage is a rock and once she is thrown off balance from that rock, she finds it difficult to support herself emotionally. Anchorage is very important for a woman. She can be a successful woman, financially better off than her husband, yet she craves for the rock solid comfort of "home". It is a habit, a cloistered shell which keeps the chaotic world at bay and once that shell is broken, the noises get deafeaning. For an Indian woman, as compared to her counterparts in the West, divorce is still a taboo. The system seeks to keep couples joined, and this adds to the complications. It is the silent stares, the subdued smiles, stray remarks which makes it more painful for the Indian woman to come out of the emotional and mental onslaught of the divorce. Society keeps on throwing up morsels to feed off the issue of divorce and everytime a woman tries to forget, her scar starts burning all the more fiercely. The big question is - "will I ever get over this?". The answer is an emphatic "yes". The natural law of life says that nobody and nothing is indispensable and that holds true for divorces also.
It takes time, sometimes a year, sometimes a lifetime to heal the scar of breaking a relationship, breaking the very core values which make up the social system, but one can get over it. Counselling centers, getting together in groups who share the same ordeal, talking things out frankly and finally and most importantly accepting the fact that "it is over and I am on my own and I cannot let myself down". This spirit of fighting out the pain, the emptiness and loneliness of post-divorce is important to keep the mind from regressing back into the past.
It is especially tougher for a woman who has been dependent on her husband, than on a woman who has financial support. Again, it needs to be clarified that the emotional turmoil is no less for both the women. In India, it has been seen that a woman who has hardly voiced any opinion even over the type of household goods to be bought, indeed faces a difficult time, coping with her self, her outside world, when deserted. The irony of a divorce is that usually it is the woman who is blamed and it is she who has to take into account all her activities after divorce.
But life is like an eternal spring. It inspires courage and determination. It is up to the woman NOT to undermine herself, her dignity and her self esteem.There is nothing that a woman cannot do. A divorce is just a new awakening, it is life''s way of giving a woman a new chance to restart her life by wiping the board clean. There is a lot happening - one just needs to reach out and touch happiness.
Published: April 19, 2007