It''s quiet... I can hear nothing but my new-old computer, nagging on the floor in pain. I''ve been using it since 11 am
this morning, without a single break... but still...It''s quiet. It''s Friday night and everyone''s in, even those who used to keep me up all night with their loud partying and careless singing. No one''s in a mood to go out and live today, since everyone''s worry is survival. It''s quiet... and
silence freaks me out. Mainly because I''d have to deal with all my thoughts, projecting and thinking and and and...and I don''t have the energy for that anymore, not today.
I took a quizz, out of fun... actually I took 10 quizzes out of fun, each one of them related to a different topic. What did I find out? Well many stuff... Stuff like I''m a 100% Leo, I''m a genuine Leader, I''m a feminist, I am determined, I inspire others, I''m self-confident, I''m creative, I''m ambitious, I''m Gabrielle in desperate housewives, I have a strong will... And those are indeed many stuff.. but they are stuff I already know. Stuff I like to hear again, and again.. and again.... but when it''s quiet, I don''t think about these stuff, I think about the shame and the guilt of quietness, of the silence that mourns our mistakes and failures and remind us of our weaknesses... and it''s quiet.
Just took a deep breath, the way I did before my interview at the American Embassy... seing that flag waving up high reminded me of how much I wanted to win that leadership competition..So I took a deep breath and stormed into the room with all my energy focused on getting that shot. I talked, argumented and illustrated my point of view so eloquently and fluently that, in my head, I started to pack my bags. And when waiting for the positive phone call, it went quiet again... nothing but a mere e-mail came breaking the silence, followed by yet another deep breath, one of disapointment and surprise. Disapointed... ah so this is how I feel now! Thank God... not for the disapointment of course, but for finally knowing the reason behind feeling down..
It''s quiet... I''m sleepless. Two cats are procreating and their action ruins the silence. Yet still... I can hear the sound of "nothingness" knocking on the door. You want to know a secret,
diary? I am the major source of my happiness and the major source of my misery. I trap myself in illusions and visions and then torture my mind into achieving them. I want everything and want it now, that I fight my own soul to achieve impossible targets and then blame it on my fear of commitment. I take-over the entire project and then fuss about team-work... I send the sms and then resent myself for not receiving a reply. I hate the silence, the silence is scarry... I type.. Faster, and faster and faster... that I run out of words to type. However the sound of my keyboard, gently sitting on my lap comforts me. It lets me think that I still have thoughts running and some positive energy saved.. that energy that sometimes can be valorised.... and other times a source of headaches.
yesterday, without a single break... but still...It''s quiet. It''s Saturday morning and everyone''s asleep, even those who used to hang out at Zaatar W Zeit for early Breakfast. But what really eases the silence is the fact that today is Saturday and no longer Friday. Not only do I have a shitty exam to study for, but it''s also a new day and a fresh one. One that I won''t start with silence... so I''ll keep typing for now, untill my bed calls loud enough for me to surrender to.
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