Stages of Gay Relationship Development
Before discussing what is obviously development of dysfunctional relationship
processes, a review of healthy gay couples'' development would be helpful. While there are many that wish to present gay
relationships as inherently dysfunctional (see for example link 1, and link 2), work by respected authors such as Gottman and Julien (Julien et al, 2003) indicate otherwise. Gay and lesbian couples seek the same kind of mutually supportive, romantic, and emotionally intimate bonds as straight couples. They struggle with the same issues of finances, intimacy, and extended family as straight couples. They define relationship satisfaction in largely the same way as well.
One of the earliest and most well known models of gay couple development was that of McWhirter and Mattison (1984, 1987a, 1987b). While perhaps seeming outdated, their model is a very clear one; it was based on interviews with over 150 normal male couples over a five year study, and is still consistent with more modern couples research today.
McWhirter and Mattison conceptualized gay relationships as consisting of six stages. They began their discussion of their model, however, by discussing the climate in which gay relationships develop. They noted that:
"Heterosexual couples do not grapple with issues about roles, finances, ownerships, and social obligations in the same way as gay men do. The heterosexual couple that was concerned about acceptance by their mutual families was exceptional, whereas this was the rule for homosexual couples.... Heterosexual couples lived with some expectation that their relationships were to last "until death do us part," whereas gay couples wondered if their relationships could survive. Heterosexual couples have a wide variety of models for their partnerships... Gay men have only the same heterosexual models, including their own families, which they may try to emulate but find unsuitable.... Non-gay people rarely question the rightness or wrongness of their sexual orientation, but at some point gay persons do." (p. 3)
While they made these comments over 15 years ago, it is worth noting that in many respects, little has changed:
The debate over gay
marriage has stirred many negative comments in the media, with some seeming bent on citing any research they can find (even if outdated and irrelevant) to continue to present gay men as child molesters who would harm children (see for example link). This issue is directly relevant, as marriage is a protective factor
against violence. Waite and Gallagher argue that this is in large part due, internally, to the commitment that the married people make to each other, and, externally, to the social support our society provides for marriages. This raises the question of whether gay couples granted the right to marry would experience the same benefits. Interestingly, Gallagher thinks not and is against gay marriage as a result. Waite, on the other hand, is unsure, as it is difficult to predict whether society would really give the same support to gay couples. One could argue convincingly, however, that by denying marriage and the legal, religious, and familial support it should bring to gay couples, society discriminates and harms gay couples by placing them at an increased risk for relationship violence.
Many polls have been conducted about gay marriage. Some were conducted and reported honestly, some were conducted and slanted in their reporting, and some were simply removed or hidden when the results were not to the polltakers'' liking. Perhaps the overall summary comes down to this: Over 50% of Americans are against gay marriage, but over 50% of Americans are against a constitutional amendment prohibiting gay marriage and against impeaching the judge from Massachusetts who ruled that the State must provide for gay marriages. Clearly, equal support for gay and lesbian coupis still a contentious and hotly debated issue in our country.
Some argue gay marriages would be unstable, and would only lead to the diluting of marriage as a sacred institution (see link). Others point out that in Danish society, only 15% of gay marriages end in divorce, compared to 46% of straight ones. Gottman and colleagues (2003b) based on their 12 year longitudinal study reported that 20% of their gay and lesbian couples ended their relationships, and extrapolated to a 40 year period this would yield a divorce rate of 63.5%, slightly less than the comparable statistic for straight couples of 67%.
Only 14 states (California, Connecticut, Hawaii, Massachusetts, Maryland, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, Nevada, New York, Rhode Island, Vermont, and Wisconsin) have laws prohibiting discrimination based on sexual orientation. As noted later in this paper, legal discrimination complicates the recognition and treatment of domestic violence, as well as the protection of gay and lesbian victims of domestic violence.
After September 11th, 2001, Jerry Falwell actually blamed the terrorist bombings on God''s displeasure with America over feminists, abortions, and gays and lesbians, with Pat Robertson supporting this opinion (see link). Thus, the formation of healthy gay relationships is still housed in a society that is, to a large extent, ambivalent at best and aggressive at worst toward gays. Nonetheless, what follows is a short summary of McWhirter and Mattison''s (1984) six stages of development in healthy gay relationships.
Blending - Stage 1 - Year 1 This first stage entails the "unification" of the couple into a single unit. Each man is happy to no longer feel isolated and alone, spends most of his free time with his partner, and experiences strong feelings of romantic love and frequent sexual activity during this time. They balance responsibilities, household rules, and their mutual goals, as well as come to know each others'' strengths and weaknesses.
This can be a very difficult time for couples, in that two men may both be socialized to be decision makers, bread winners, and "the dominant one" in the relationship. This can cause great difficulty negotiating decisions, coping with a partner who makes more money or has higher status, and learning to admit a need for and to rely on the support of the other.
Of note, Gottman has found that gay/lesbian couples are "more upbeat" when facing problems, are less likely to use negative communication styles (e.g., belligerence and intimidation), and become less physiologically aroused during conflict compared to straight couples. This last point is especially salient, as Gottman argues that becoming overly "worked up" during arguments is especially likely to undermine effective communication.
Nesting - Stage 2 - Years 2 and 3 The second stage is marked by "homemaking," or strengthening the commitment the couple has. They find compatibility though acceptance of each other''s personality differences and styles, strengths
and weaknesses, and needs and goals. The loss of limerence (or the "end of the honeymoon") is common during this time as well, but is paired with a more realistic view of the relationship and the partner.
The "eye opening experience" this marks is not the experience of only gay couples, however. Benjamin Franklin said, "Keep your eyes wide-open before marriage, half-shut afterwards." This means that you should objectively judge your partner before you decide to marry, but once married remember not to judge them as harshly. Of note, Gottman has found that gay/lesbian couples are more likely to "take it less personally" when their partner points out some characteristic or flaw they find less desirable compared to straight couples. Thus, gay couples may accept some degree of negativity in a relationship, and be m