The Astronomical Union has decided that Pluto is no longer a planet, undoing 75 years of science and astronomy teaching at
every level from grammar to graduate school, and undoing the planetary information we all learned as kids to remember the order of planets in the solar system. My Mother Just Sent Us Nine Pizzas. (Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto. And sometimes Y.) So now what did my very excellent mom send us? Nine what? Did we get an empty envelope? A flaming bag of dog doody on the doorstep? And if she sent us nothing, she's not really a very excellent mother, wouldn't you say? I mean, what kind of mom doesn't send us anything? No care packages? No pizza? No nothing? Maybe it should be "My Vicious, Evil Mother Just Sent Us Nothing." The ramifications of this move are staggering. Textbook are now wrong, joining those from Kansas, and Georgia which have been wrong for years. Is the Astronomical Union going to pay for the printing for new books? If not, and they're playing dine and ditch on us, sticking us with the bill, I say we wait for them after school and give 'em all atomic wedgies and noogies until they cry. This is what happens when you let nerds have conventions. Most appalling is that no one seemed to take Pluto's feelings into account here. Can we show a little sensitivity here? They're not "dwarf planets. Why can't we show any kind of understanding of or compassion for the struggles of the challenged? We've got trouble. Plutonians are reportedly not pleased about having been demoted. Where does this stop? What if Plutonians decide Earth is not a planet? Will we have to deal with the leader of the Plutoninan government? Reports coming in say that the Plutonian is reputed to have said, "This makes me so angry!" And let me tell you, we don't want the Plutonians upset; those Uranium PU-36 Explosive Space Modulators are nasty buggers. I just hope Bugs Bunny isn't stupid enough to declare "mission accomplished," and that Daffy Duck doesn't dare the Plutonians to "bring it on." And another thing... aren't we inviting interstellar ridicule? I mean, listen to this prediction from Mike Brown, the astronomer whose discovery of a sizeable object beyond Pluto's orbit sort of catalyzed this mess. "There will be hundreds of dwarf planets," Brown predicted. He has already found dozens that fit the category. Great. Just great. Now we live in the cosmological equivalent of Munchkinland, surrounded by hundreds of dwarves. If they start singing "Follow The Yellow Brick Road," I'm outta here. There is a sucker born every minute. Step right up, ladies and gentlemen, see the miracle before you! The Bearded Lady has managed to conceive! That's right, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls! We're talking the most Immaculate Conception in 2000 years here... knocked up without ever laying down! bun in the oven even with no pilot light! a blessed event so miraculous, even God is going, "Now how'd I do that?" Step right up, and see the pregnant bearded lady! Yes, get ready for it, she has announced that she is pregnant. And right now, somewhere there's a turkey baster smoking a cigarette and telling his friends, "Dude, she was so freakin' into it, man!" Flying
Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with his Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter. You see what's happening here, right? The exact same arguments are made by proponents of Intelligent Design it's just that they substitute the biblical supreme being for a flying spaghetti monster. I am a child of the Flying Spaghetti Monster! All Hail the Flying Spaghetti Monster! What do they say about fish with big fins? I don't know how to start without getting myself into trouble or opening myself to a comment fitell you that scientists have apparently determined that male
mosquitofish with larger sex organs have much greater success rates in attracting female mosquitofish than males with average sized fish sexual appendages.The study was done on mosquitofish, which are like guppies. They're only about an inch long. That's body length. For the appendage, we're talking millimeters. Nonetheless, biologist Brian Langerhans of Washington University in St. Louis managed to put a tape on 350 male mosquitofish. Langerhans took pictures of the gonopodia to measure their outlines. The organ is quite obvious, even on such small fish," he said." Wow. That must have been a hell of a morning in the Wash U biology lab, the day Brian Langerhans decided he wanted to measure fish penis, and is it just me, or does Mr. Langerhans seem just a little too enthusiastic about his "quite obvious" observations? Langerhans exposed about 50 females, one at a time, to video images of a male of average proportions at one end of an aquarium and an outsized male at the other end. They chose the larger one over and over," Langerhans said. " females had the same preference." Folks this is what your tax dollars are paying for, research in area's that would make your hair stand up.