Many couples get caught in circles of conflict they hate but can`t seem to escape. The argument may start over something
as petty as whether to buy an antique lamp. Soon your spouse accuses you of always being indecisive, and you point out that your partner is a hopeless spendthrift. Then exchange ends abruptly when you stalk out of the room. Both of you feel resentful and misunderstood, and both wonder: why do you keep getting into the same arguments over and over again?
The first is the need to save face. There is an image of yourself at stake that you feel you must defend, even though you know it isn`t going to get you anywhere another significant factor is misunderstanding: what one partner says is not what the other hears.
Healthy fighters realize that when they finish a fight, the
relationship should be improved. Both partners egos should be intact. They usually manage this by suggesting resolutions that include generous part of compromise and creativity. They also realize change takes time.
Of course, many marital fighters never reach the resolution stage. They argue and then stop in a half or they jump from argument to resolution without going through the important middle phase ‘
negotiation’ which is when you attempt to see each others point of view. If you skip this phase, you`ll both feel that demands have been forced on you. Before long you`ll repeat the argument because you haven`t really ended it. Some disagreements, of course, aren`t readily amenable to negotiation and compromise. When you find yourselves deadlocked, make a list of solutions, even some that seem farfetched. Rate them by how you each feel until you are able to agree on one. And remember: regular talks are a Good idea whether or not you have peace treaties to forge.
In any intimate relationship egos sometimes collide and personal styles grate. But if you establish a comfortable, workable pattern of communication, the relationship will have room for fighting words as well as loving whisper.