He cannibalizes fruit. He’s the…
Vidiot
Week of July 21st 2005
My favourite pick-up line is a rag soaked in chloroform. First up…
Constantine
No, this isn’t a film about the Roman emperor who laid the foundations for the post-classical European civilization. Or that Greek dude I met in Junior High. It is actually based on an amazing comic book called ‘Hell Blazer’ which tells the tales of a tough talking, chain-smoking, spell-casting exorcist from Jolly ol’ England.
However, thanks to the discerning minds and eyes of North American viewers, (who apparently can not relate to character’s from Europe or find it on a map for that matter.) they had to change the title, the city, the accent and the I.Q level of Constantine by casting Keanu ‘Matrix’ Reeves to play him.
The incoherent storyline follows a woman, who hires the mystical detective to save her sisters soul from Damnation during an epic battle between God and the holy one himself, The Devil. But instead of making a clever religious mystery/horror story like the comic, Constantine is just another commando in a trench coat blasting demons with a super-powered crucifix shot-gun. (Now when did violence have anything to do with religion?)
If this movie had stuck to the original source material and opted to entertain audiences instead of catering to the lowest common denominator, Constantine could have been Heaven. Instead it’s just H-E-Double Hockey Sticks.
Man of the House
(Originally reviewed June 30th 2005: The Pacifier: It's appropriate that this movie about a Navy SEAL assigned to protect a family is named after something that was made to suck, because that is exactly what this movie does. It’s the same old storyline they drag out every time an action star wants to show off his comedic chops.)
Three weeks later…..Tommy Lee Jones stars as a Texas Ranger assigned to protect a group of cheerleaders who have witnessed a murder. Just replace the little shits with bouncing….pom-poms and you got yourself a hit movie. With original cinematic choices like this, it makes you wonder how could hell be any worse?
Ice Princess
Didn’t I date her back in ’72? Just kidding it was ’73. But seriously this pre-teen figure skating movie really had me enthralled…with my toilet bowl. Joking, in fact watching the klutzy book-worm metamorphosize into a champion figure skating butterfly was like a roller coaster ride…..I puked the entire time.
***Hotter Than Hell***
Cry Baby
Johnny Depp stars as a rockabilly rebel from the wrong side of the tracks, who is sent to prison for being a high school Hellcat in love with a lily-white Christian debutant. Cry Baby has everything; the epic battle between upper and lower class, social commentary on sterile white America, satirical jabs at the legal system when dealing with minors and a healthy dose of the Devil’s music---rock ‘n fuckin’ roll. And if that don’t get your motor revving, Ricki Lake gives birth in the backseat of a drag racing hotrod. Talk about your pieces of artwork. Damnation! I just got a hot-rod thinking about it.
He was sicced-on us. He’s the…
Vidiot