The gentle breeze bears no semblance with the ardent ferocity of the Gurgaon chill. It is nothing…this is a soft melodious
whisper that promises me of a future life that is distant and aloof. I am secured from everyone and everything. I don’t have to answer
questions or shoot questions for anything or anyone. I am lonely and blissful. But some thing remains agonized and tries to peep back into my current existence through minutest of opportunities. This song, a faint reminder of the days that I loathed when they existed. It makes me feel the tension, the beauty and the serene atmosphere that prevailed then and I squandered it all away in search of something. I still haven’t figured out what that was...my object of pursuit. This longing is sporadic. It mounts up during the most unpredictable moments when I am in office submerged in work and then a decaying hint brings back those memories. Flawless past!! I take a deep breathe and realize it is all gone…I don’t want to relive them again in real existence and I dare not go back to gauge the potential of those moments…I am scared…those scars that I have left behind blissfully unaware of their future repercussions…why? I don’t have any answers...the world seems a small place if I continue eluding in the same pace. Whom to trust and whom to argue with?
Tangible and intangible hints of my past life are the only contacts that I have. But the impact they have in my life...phenomenal!!
I close my eyes and pretend to vamoose…into nowhere. I have always done that despite failing numerously …but my daunting attitude and withering wisdom holds me aloft and I still continue this
strange voyage. I have been there and felt those sentiments again in my old perfumes and older songs…in conversations and dates. I have been rendered strangely happy and miraculously unmoved at times.
Nostalgia? For what? I never belonged to a place when I have stayed there and I have never been with a person when he existed. But I have relived them when they have left and I have experienced a virtual pain at this departure that feeds my otherwise despondent longing for them. It is again not at a continued momentum, he lapses into negligence only to return with a gigantic ferocity later…Why? I again have no answers!!
Strange city and stranger people taunt my capability to exist here and they daunt me to do things I have never done by proposing queer theories to me. Challenges, mostly self imposed bother me…But nevertheless, It evolves me…