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"The Right to be Wrong is not a MANDATE"
I
was fascinated by Sufletel's piece, "The Right to be Wrong". I think itshows that the author possesses a gifted insight into thedownward spiral that typifies modern relationships between today’s men and women. This seems to be especially applicable to what may be called the newest form of contemporary social interaction, the “ internet romance”. More and more men and women today seem to feel that they’re lacking what they define as “love” in their day-to-day, “real world” lives;and find themselves turning to the computerized “world” of cyberspace in their attempts to find it. Even though this may, on the surface, appear to be foolish and self-defeating; it isn’t always necessarily the case. It’s actually quite possible for a person to meet their “soul-mate” online. I say this from personal experience, because it happened to me. The only thing that a person needs to be careful of, in doing so, is to avoid falling into the “romantic trap” that Sufletel describes. The inherent problem with “internet romances” is that the people who enter into them don’t always have the same expectations. Typically, they begin their internet correspondences wearing a sort of “mask” that hides their true faces from the people who they meet; showing themselves as they wish to be seen; much the same as people do when they meet in the so-called “real world”. Most people online, however, never intend to take these masks off; because they aren’t expecting to form any kind of permanent ties with each other. This is what perpetuates the popular misconception that internet relationships cannot ever lead to genuine romances. I won’t even attempt to dispute the fact that the majority of “internet romances” are unquestionably doomed to failure. That would simply be foolish. It would, however, be equally foolish not to say the same exact thing about “real world” romances. It’s all really just a matter of perspective. A few fortunate people find that they actually become close enough to someone who they meet online to feel comfortable enough to allow their “masks” to fall away, and become the people who they really are. The problem is that many of these people don’t realize that their doing so really becomes something of a “double-edged sword”. As Sufletel points out so adeptly, frequently today, “attachment” results in “addiction”, rather than “love”. I agree with this wholeheartedly, but I would supplement it by adding a quartet of factors that particularly pertain to the “internet romance”…the separation factor, the panic factor, the expectation factor, and the understanding factor. The separation factor comes into play in such relationships because the parties involved are usually separated by great physical distances. While most couples involved in “real world” relationships have the benefit of actual physical contact, which can help them to ease the normal tensions that naturally arise between them; the “internet” couple has no such advantage. As much of a spiritual and emotional bond as these couples might share, it’s still far easier for a marginally well-suited “real world” couple to maintain a lasting relationship than an internet-based pair of true “soul-mates” who actually belong together can…just because they’re physically located in different parts of the world. Without the benefit of being able to make even the most basic physical contact, the smallest of difficulties can rise to the level of almost epic proportions. The panic factor arises when the participants in an “internet romance” become so close that they decide that the time has come for them to actually eet in person. Such a meeting is usually suggested by one member of the relationship, and excitedly accepted by the other. Unfortunately, as the proposed meeting draws closer, one member of the relationship often begins to panic. They may begin to regret agreeing to the meeting, and, in an unconscious effort to forestall it, make the transition from being in “love”, to being what Sufletel refers to as a “Hunter of Mistakes”. When this occurs, their cyber-partner begins to make the unintentional segue from feeling “love” to suffering from “addiction”. This leads us to the expectation factor. As the “Hunter of mistakes” finds, or creates, faults within the other member of their relationship, they begin to see, and over-emphasize, flaws that either aren’t really there, or aren’t nearly as serious as they otherwise would be considered; had the couple not been faced with the difficulties inherent in the separation factor, to begin with. Problems that could be easily overlooked, or might not even exist at all, were the couple in actual physical proximity to each other, begin to appear insurmountable. Frequently, this unfortunately results in Sufletel’s last stage…abandonment. This leads me to my final missing factor…understanding. Real love, in the real world, can see past small imperfections, and often help to avoid them, altogether. Unfortunately, the people who we meet online are generally regarded as “disposable people”, simply because it is easier to dispose of them than it is to work at taking the steps necessary to make long-term relationships with them work.Being "wrong" is a RIGHT, not a MANDATE. If we can learn to accept that these “internet romances” are worth the extra efforts that are required to maintain and foster them, then all of the “negative stereotypes” that're associated with such relationshipseventually will disappear. As the lyrics of a popular song so eloquently say…“That’s the way love is…that’s how it goes”.
Published: March 08, 2007
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