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APPROPRIATE DISTANCE I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my
contribution
to
others and my commitment to a loving presence. In
that
regard, I’ve adopted a concept I call appropriate
distance.
In previous articles, I’ve suggested a
philosophical
stance
for our interactions with others and implied that
it’s
our
obligation to meet everyone with respect and
equanimity.
I’ve also suggested that
humor and honest
communication
can
help fill in the gap when we fall short of that
obligation.
What do we do though, when we encounter an
individual
towards whom we have an uncontrollable aversion?
What
do we
do when, despite our very best intentions and
efforts
at
applying tools of sharing and humor, we can’t get
unattached from our negative view of them?
In those cases, we must withdraw, but we must do it
with
wisdom and understanding. We must recognize that if
we
were
perfectly enlightened, their behavior would have no
effect
upon us. We must interpret our inability to
tolerate
them
at
close distance as our shortcoming, not theirs.
We
must
commit to finding the appropriate distance
necessary to
love them.
Even if an individual in our lives is dangerous or
abusive,
and our well-being requires our withdrawal, we must
withdraw with an enlightened attitude, striving for
the
highest degree of understanding and forgiveness
possible.
Our growth demands that we explore our own
responsibility
for the situation from which we’ve extricated
ourselves.
This exploration is necessary if we’re to avoid
repeating
the same situation with someone else.
Some people are easier to love than others. Some
people
are
loveable when they’re standing right in front of
you,
stepping on your toes. Others require a bit of
distance
to
be appreciated. You must move them to their proper
place.
Picture a trombone. Your task is to
slide the
mechanism
of
that trombone to the perfect position to play a
perfect,
balanced note. Likewise, your task with those
people
who
unbalance you is to slide them down to the position
where
you can live a perfect, balanced life. As you
extricate
yourself from close association with those people,
you’ll
find a particular distance, frequency of
interaction,
depth
of conversation, choice of topics, etc. from which
you
can
think of them fondly and experience none of the
aggravation
they caused you when they were too close. You will
have
then discovered their appropriate distance.
In acknowledging the fact that you don’t have the
ability
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my
contribution
to others and my commitment to a loving presence. In
that
regard, I’ve adopted a concept I call appropriate
distance.
In previous articles, I’ve suggested a philosophical
stance
for our interactions with others and implied that it’s
our
obligation to meet everyone with respect and
equanimity.
I’ve also suggested that humor and honest communication
can
help fill in the gap when we fall short of that
obligation.
What do we do though, when we encounter an individual
towards whom we have an uncontrollable aversion? What
do we
do when, despite our very best intentions and efforts
at
applying tools of sharing and humor, we can’t get
unattached from our negative view of them?
In those cases, we must withdraw, but we must do it
with
wisdom and understanding. We must recognize that if we
were
perfectly enlightened, their behavior would have no
effect
upon us. We must interpret our inability to tolerate
them
at close distance as our shortcoming, not theirs. We
must
commit to finding the appropriate distance neecessary to
love them.
Even if an individual in our lives is dangerous or
abusive,
and our well-being requires our withdrawal, we must
withdraw with an enlightened attitude, striving for the
highest degree of understanding and forgiveness
possible.
Our growth demands that we explore our own
responsibility
for the situation from which we’ve extricated
ourselves.
This exploration is necessary if we’re to avoid
repeating
the same situation with someone else.
Some people are easier to love than others. Some people
are
loveable when they’re standing right in front of you,
stepping on your toes. Others require a bit of distance
to
be appreciated. You must move them to their proper
place.
Picture a trombone. Your task is to slide the mechanism
of
that trombone to the perfect position to play a
perfect,
balanced note. Likewise, your task with those people
who
unbalance you is to slide them down to the position
where
you can live a perfect, balanced life. As you extricate
yourself from close association with those people,
you’ll
find a particular distance, frequency of interaction,
depth
of conversation, choice of topics, etc. from which you
can
think of them fondly and experience none of the
aggravation
they caused you when they were too close. You will have
then discovered their appropriate distance.
In acknowledging the fact that you don’t have the
ability
to tolerate these people up close, be compassionate
with
yourself. Understand that all of us have limitations
and
areas of aversion which are more than we can bear at
our
current levels of consciousness. Just manage the
problem as
it exists now, remain as respectful and loving as you
can
and realize that as you grow in consciousness, you’ll
be
able to shrink your appropriate distance with everyone.
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