Have you ever
thought how is it that there were so many religious wars in the past? The very same people who are proclaiming
to follow the commandments of God are actually killing others because of their feeling of superiority, well that is a
thought. How good are we at following what we preach.
I found on my own example that we often are not very good at it. I would like to refer to the commandment Do not kill not only others but also yourself. We are not the givers of life and we should not be taking it. If I met a person in the past who was depressed and seemed not to be able to go on I would have liked to reassure him or her that he is loved by others, that there is a purpose for him to be here, that there is always light at the end of the tunnel and perhaps that taking your own life is a sin. In the past I saw a programme about people who suffered from chronic illnesses and could no longer bear it. So they travelled to Switzerland to have their lives officially ended. When they were asked whether that was their final decision they said yes, a person read to them a section from a Bible and then they took a pill. Simple as that. I thought how very sad. Never did I think at that time that one day I myself would feel very similarly to those people. I was always ill a lot but I always found ways of coping with the illness till I came to a stage when I do not seem able to cope. I have no energy, I suffer a lot and my symptoms keep waking me up so I do not even get a good night sleep. Recently my sons and I read a passage in the Bible where God explains that he lets us suffer to test us so that we can appreciate the good times again. And my son said to me that it is just right for me, that I would get better soon. He also wrote a prayer for me in a little church. But since then I became even worse, I started to see no way forward for me rather than a suicide, I stopped believing I would ever get better. I stopped believing in all persuasion about not taking my own life, I questioned God’s existence, if he is around why would he let me to suffer? And I thought he cannot be around and if I am suffering so much now surely I shall not suffer when I die even if I take my own life. I always used to
believe in justice, that the poor and sick would enter paradise. I no longer believe that. I neither believe that I suffer for something bad I have done, it is just a question of my genetical make up together with other environmental issues and the fact that as a baby I developed a strong allergy to a baby formula which somehow upset my immunity for life. Maybe it is a way of God showing us that some illnesses are a mystery and we shall never know how to treat them.
When I feel really sick, I question myself what is the point of me going on, I could for example donate my organs and save lives of other people who would have a better quality of life than me. When I feel a bit better I ask myself what awful thoughts did I have. I have everything to live for. Despite the fact that I am very ill I have two very healthy children and even though there would seem nothing else to live for they are worth it, others cannot have children and would give anything for them. I cannot just give up like that and run away from everything. Even though my life is a struggle I like to appreciate every little nice thing, I am glad that today I am actually well enough to write because on most days I am so ill I cannot even do that – and it is something I enjoy and would love to do more of. So as the old year draws to an end and we welcome the new year I would like to say to all those who are desperate like me that the new year will bring them new hope; there will always be some little pleasure they can enjoy and it is all in our own hands to improve things even if the improvement seems very little. And that suicide is not a real solution, and that you can show to the world that you can beat it. I hope I as well as others in situations similar to mine can think of these words next time we think we can no longer cope.