Some times I wish to remain in a cocoon – meet no one, look at nothing I don’t want to be seeing or do anything I can’t fathom why it be expected of me! I am weary of people, can’t understand the tongue they speak or figure what it is that they desire out of their lives as well as mine. I have seen others, who have kept away from those that I do too, but they are at ease making me wonder what it is in me that stops me from getting there myself!
It is hard to describe this love - hate that I feel for people almost in chorus!!! I want them around, but in manners I can take, though that, I am told, is not for me to choose and so it clogs up channels of thought processes that get me going in the first place. I would like to believe that they wouldn’t need mine to fulfill theirs but their requests are too many, their queries even more, and I find it hard to ignore it first and then further more to restore the peace in my heart that I had set out feeling.
If I were to be watched, I would sway on a scale between moody and depress ional, but I am conscious that I belong no where there. What I need is space and when I am squashed on that I go crazy – running hither-thither, knowing not where to get, where to stop or even what next to do! Yet ironically, I know I need people around me – not to converse, but to watch and perhaps, take a lesson or two from –while they go about their lives, at their truest self, watched unawares by me!
I come from a land gone a long while ago, built around dreams. I have seen relics of it around here. I chase it too – running behind, as if, in a thrill of finding my promised land, leaning on a little further, feeling heat of a different kind and then backing off as soon, burning my hands or feet or whatever it is that I first let touch that mirage. I stop for a while, this quest of finding that land, the one I departed long ago – in search of knowledge or treasure! And yet as soon as I let myself feel free from those tangles, I see what I expected never to see again – a name or some speech that I brings memories of my past… tricky, elusive as an illusion, and I set out all over again chasing that one too, imagining in my heart the truth of what I had seen then, wanting to get hold of it before it vaporizes into the fragments that I always end up gathering.
Sometimes I am drained and yet some other times I feel in me a vigor that I find enthralling, sometimes all-consuming and I am addicted, even if just to the chase, as if defining around it a purpose of life. But then sometimes, I need to watch where I step, the directions and the distances that I travel, for I sometimes find even among indistinguishable voices, wisdom that seeps through a word here or an action there, leaving me gasping around in the glitter of a newly found light, and I set out all over again. And yet again, I dumbfounded by a lack of perception around me, shaken by the need I see around me that drives one - drives all - towards preaching most what they secretly hope even they didn’t have to do, wishing no one there either! And I scamper back into my cocoon, staying there for just a bit longer, so that the imperceptible mayhem and the strains of the world stay beyond the walls of safety that I have built to keep from harms way!
I want to remain then, in my own self, wrapped up, perhaps like a baby; till I am assured of my space - to cry, talk, listen or simply claim rights to! But before I get to discover my dreams, I want to find that space, in this world here, above that of mine designated six feet under.