Acceptance
One of my favorite hobbies is attempting to identify as accurately as possible to a character of a novel
I’m reading. To me, one of the joys of literature is finding interesting foils of one’s self and learning from their journeys. While reading The Brothers Karamazov I came upon an interesting character that has piqued my interest and my sympathy. Kolya is a young boy of age 12, when he is first introduced to the reader. A slightly talented kid, Kolya is fundamentally insecure about his own intelligence and as a result, attempts to validate himself by affecting dominance over his school mates. The key word is “affect” because all the ideas he spews out are simple regurgitations of the latest trends of thought, the sayings of skeptical philosophers, and whatever Kolya can remember from
listening to others. It is clear to the reader that Kolya does not believe any of the trash that he says, and is in fact a inherently optimistic and kind person. While he denounces traditional values and even sympathy, Kolya is immensely fond of playing with little children, and even goes out of his way to help people. His guise of arrogance is a rather uncomfortable one and this is revealed when he meets Alyosha. Unlike the simple minded boys that Kolya usually talks to, Alyosha is a perceptive, sagacious young man. When listening to Kolya talk, Alyosha finds ways to shoot down almost everything Kolya says. However, the interaction between these two individuals is not malicious, instead it is very friendly and perhaps it is this that sparks the change in Kolya. Unlike the other boys the look up to him or attempt to challenge him, Alyosha accepts him and treats him like an adult. This type of respect is the type of respect Kolya has probably been looking for since he began affecting his intelligence. It was simply that he could not find a person that wasn’t either contemptuous or in awe of him. When I read this, I almost embraced the book because Kolya is unbelievably similar to me. Like Kolya, I struggle between attitudes of absolute subservience and absolute arrogance simply because I don’t feel like I’m truly
accepted by anyone. I feel as though there are a hundred eyes watching me, and because of this, I am always insecure and unsure of myself. My natural reaction is to of course, either hide away or to react as Kolya does, to try to outdo everyone. Unfortunately, like Kolya, it is clear to me that I am not intellectually more powerful than the upper echelon of my age and I may not be anything better than ordinary. So, like Kolya, I substitute what I don’t know with what I can make up and what unoriginal things I can remember. A large part of my desire to study philosophy was so that in debates I could say what Aristotle believed and since everyone is afraid of Aristotle, no one would argue with me. One always sounds smart by naming dead white guys to support everything one believes. I suffered for a long time from this, but I feel much more natural now primarily because I met my Alyosha. To me, Jesus Christ is a figure whose majesty, intelligence, and purity is beyond my comprehension. He is like Alyosha in that He can find ways to outdo anything I do, outsmart me even in my wittiest lines, and He is not afraid of Aristotle. He is the Omega and strangely enough, he speaks to me like an equal- listening to my troubles, not judging, but always understanding and forgiving. To prove His love for me and to prove His desire to make our friendship personal, He lowered himself to my level. He became man, an imperfect creature, and then died on a cross, telling me that I am forgiven and I am accepted despite what I have done before. This type of respect I can loosely equate with Alyosha’s respect for Kolya and Kolya’s reaction, much like my own. To be accepted despite my imperfections! To finally have a friendship where I can rest my head, lay down the ridiculous guises I should’ve tried on before wearing - to be myself. This kindof security and feeling of being absolutely natural stems from a relationship that is inherently a “superior- inferior” one but is not treated as such. If Jesus treated me like a subservient rat, I would inevitably curl up in fright and not follow him. Instead, he offers me a chance at new life, a chance to be myself and to accept myself. To me this is unbelievable and saving grace. The more I get to know Jesus, the more I obey and glorify him. These actions, seemingly of a subservient man, feel natural to me because Jesus has already accepted me and my glorification and abidance by his rules are an outgrowth of my gratitude for my new life.