“There are so many things that I missed back home. I missed my family, friends and loved ones. I don’t know when I’ll be coming back to see them again. I wish I enjoyed my last days in the Philippines in its fullest. But there are so many circumstances that hindered me to do so. It’s not that I’ll bamboozle and fool around and do whatever things I want to do. But it is more of treasuring and building wonderful memories with those people whom I care the most. I feel like I was in a cage trapped and wanting to be free. But that is the price I need to pay for not being true and loyal. And it keeps on hunting me all these time. The depression, frustrations and the fear in my heart, it’s becoming unbearable. I feared for my life that I might not be what I wanted to be because of what’s happening. I fear for my downfall. I don’t want my dreams to be shattered and be put into waste in just a brink of time. And now, my heart and my mind are in total chaos. They’re fighting each other just to prove me that they are right after all. And it disturbs my whole being and my state of mind. My sanity is fast deteriorating. I’m here in a place which I am not familiar of, still locked up in my cage, agonizing in misery and despair.
We sometimes underestimate people. We underestimate what they feel, what they can and what they cannot do to you. We want to believe that things will be alright. But in reality someone will always be in the losing end. And I know in my heart that I’m in the losing end. I sense that this dilemma and depression will last for the longest time. And if it ends, I hope this time, I’ll be in the striking distance of the winning end, ecstatic and with high spirits. But unfortunately, I don’t have any army or weapon to fight back and win this battle. I don’t even have the courage and determination to face my enemy. The only appropriate and apt thing to do is to surrender and be a slave of my darkest fear. I became slave for so long and now I want to escape and be free again. I want to be whole again. I want to pick up the pieces of what I have lost and put it back together where it was used to be. Though I know it will never be the same again, at least it still has its purpose and meaning. I want to start anew. I want to start a new life wherein I could be proud of. I hope that this fragment of imagination will never cease. I hope it will continue to dream till I win this battle. I don’t want to live in this masquerade ball anymore. I want to get out and travel in the fantasy world. But it remains to be seen or better yet it will just forever be a fantasy. Am starting to lose faith and now I’m in awry. I hope someone will just destroy my cage and make me free once more. And once I’m free, I will never go back to that cage or someone’s cage anymore. Once again, this is just a product of my over imaginative imagination.
I’m not yet ready. And I don’t know when will I’ll be ready. I’m not yet ready to face the consequences of my inactions. I’m too weak and fragile to handle these circumstances. Instead, I will just remain in my cage and just be contented to be at least a Man in my own way.”