5 golden rules for finding your life partner by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.
A relationship coach lays out his 5 golden rules for reviewing the prospects
of long-term marital success.
When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one
wants to make a mistake.
Yet,with a divorce rate of close to 50 percent (in
USA), it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to
finding Mr./Ms.
Right!
If you
ask most couples who are engaged why they're
getting
married, they'll say: "We're in love." I
believe this is the #1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life
partner should never be based on love.
Though this may sound not politically correct, there's
a profound truth here. Love is not the basis for
getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the
other ingredients are right, then the love will come.
Let me say it again:
You CANNOT build a lifetime relationship on love
alone. You
need a lot more. Here are 5 questions you must ask yourself if
you're serious about finding &
amp; keeping a life partner.
question #1:
Do we share a common life purpose? Why is this so
important? Let me put it this way: If you're married
for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with
someone. What do you plan to do with each other all
that time? Travel, eat & jog together? You need to
share something deeper & more meaningful. You need a
common life purpose. Two things can happen in a
marriage. You can grow together, or you can grow
apart. 50 percent of the people out there are growing
apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what
you want out of life - bottom line - & marry someone
who wants the same thing.
QUESTION #2:
Do I feel safe expressing my feelings & thoughts with
this
person? This question goes to the core of the
quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you
can communicate openly with this person. The basis of
having good communication is trust- i.e. trust that I
won't get "punished" or hurt for expressing my honest
thoughts & feelings. A colleague of mine defines an
abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to
express your thoughts & feelings. Be honest with
yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally
safe with the person you plan to marry.
QUESTION #3:
Is he/she a mensch? A mensch is someone who is a
refined & sensitive person.
How can you test?
Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal
growth on a regular basis?
Are they serious about improving themselves? A
teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who
is always striving to be good & do the right thing."
So ask about your significant other:
What do they do with their time? Is this person
materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not
someone whose top priority is character refinement.
There are essentially two types of people in the
world: People who are dedicated to personal growth &
people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone
whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put
personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You
need to know that before walking down the aisle.
QUESTION #4:
How does he/she treat other people? The one most
important thing that makes any relationship work is
the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to
give another person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone
who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they
wrapped up in themselves & self-absorbed? To measure
this, think about the following: How do they treat
people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as
waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc. How do they
treat parents & siblings? Do they have gratitude &
appreciation?
If they don't have gratitude for the people who have
given them everything, you cannot expect that they'll
have gratitude for you-who can't do nearly as much for
them!
Do they gossip & speak badly about others? Someone who
gossips cannot be someone who loves others. You can be
surene who treats others poorly, will
eventually treat you poorly as well.
QUESTION #5:
Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this
person after we're married? Too many people make the
mistake of marrying someone with the intention of
trying to "improve" them after they're married. As a
colleague of mine puts it, "You can probably expect
someone to change after marriage .. for the worse!" If
you cannot fully accept this person the way they are
now, then you are not ready to marry them. In
conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult &
treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more
with your head & less with your heart. It pays to be
as objective as possible when you are dating, to be
sure to ask questions that will help you get to the
key issues.
Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake
up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find
yourself in trouble because you didn't do your
homework.
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