Dysfunctional family not Divorce: will harm
the world around us
An interesting article by Mark Earley
titled “Divorce: harmful to Kids and the Environment” which appeared on
crosswalk marriage.com caught my attention today.
Having read the article I feel led to voice
my opinion. I must however be thoughtful, sensitive and yet be sincere in my
expression. I know quite a few people who are divorced and separated and before
I open my big mouth and say “ Hear ye hear ye God hates divorce” I must declare
that I may have never got to know some lovely people if not for their
unfortunate circumstances and their so called failures in their first marriages. “M” married my sister in law and
he is a blessing to our family. “A’s” husband divorced her to marry another and
“A” reminds me of what forgiveness and God’s grace is all about. “R’s” first marriage didn’t work out but he
is happily married to “S” We have to come to terms with the fact that even in
Sri Lanka 30 % of the marriages “fail” and a lot of understanding, love, time
must be showered upon these people who have gone through rejection, guilt and
emotional trauma so that they could get on with their lives. Fortunately our
churches, family units and the community provide all the necessary ingredients
for the divorcees to put behind their hurts and bitterness and live
accomplished lives sometimes with new spouses and sometimes as single parents.
Mark Earley quotes many sources of
publications, research etc to validate his argument that divorce not only hurts
children that are involved but also the environment. Well divorce does hurt and
will hurt some of the children that are caught between the bitter fights that
take place among unsuitable, incompatible or cheating partners. Nevertheless it
all boils down to how an individual responds to a given situation. Two children
who are abandoned by an unfaithful father may respond in two completely
different ways. One would vow to do it differently and to do it right whilst
the other may take onto drugs. I have many real life situations to quote from.
Back in the 60’s and 70’s even when the world was rapidly changing many abused
wives held on to their marriages for the sake of their children. It was
unthinkable for them to either divorce or separate. There was a social stigma
around divorce. Today I am told that a wedding photographer demands 100 % advance to cover a wedding ceremony
because the partners may quit even before four months and there is no one to
foot the bill. But what about the emotional trauma that children go through
when for years their parents have dog fights at home, refusing to divorce or
allow the other partner to separate?. What about the emotional blackmail that
takes place by the parents where they demand their children to do things even
when they are 50 years old for so called “family unity” which is actually for
very selfish reasons.
“You must call me every Friday” (I don’t care whether you
are in another country working 14 hours a day) and “You must come for
Christmas, I am 82 years old and this could be my last” (They may live to be
100 and it could very well be your last Christmas because you have endured 50
of them). The children grow up being confused and not being able to discern
between love and duty, hypocrisy and honesty and have deep seated and
unresolved anger that they carry on to the next generation. Well once again I
must say that it all depends on how children respond to these situations. Some
children may get involved in sports, leave home earlier than they should or get
married to the first guy who says “I love you” not having any idea about what
love in a marriage means. These could be ways and means to cope with their
relationship with their parents. Some children live in denial and in an
illusion thinking and proclaiming that their parents were great people. Theycling on to pleasant memories ( which they should do) and go out of their way
to affirm that they owe their very lives to their parents but the fact could be
that parents only changed their diapers and put them to sleep or gave them
education. Well I am sorry to say that
the grandchildren and in-laws will not be convinced
A dysfunctional family in my view causes more
damage than divorce itself. My wife who comes from a dysfunctional family has a
lot of baggage to take care of. Even at 48 after being married 26 years she has
bouts of insecurity. My wife and I spend hours trying to resolve these issues
and the progress is slow due to all the seeds that have been sown by the
previous generation.
Mr. Earley in his article further
elaborates the fact that divorce affects the very planet. In his view, as
separation takes place one household becomes two and therefore more resources, energy
is consumed. In that case marriage could hurt the planet too as children move
into new homes they will burn up more gas and consume more electricity? Sorry
Mr. Earley I am not convinced but I still hold my opinion that dysfunctional
families will hurt society and the planet much more.