Local Sports Hero Incites
Riot at High School
Football Game by Chalupa JonesArlington—Jay Davern, 27, was arrested Friday Night at UTA’s Maverick Field, home of the Arlington Colts football team. The stand out ex-linebacker (90-93) for the Colts was said to be the primary catalyst in a melee that lasted over twenty minutes and injured fifty-six people. One eyewitness, Matt Bingham, said, “It was sweet, man. I’ve never seen one guy kick so much ass in one place.” Mr. Bingham, wearing his favorite NASCAR sweatshirt with the likeness of Jeff Gordon on it, later retracted his statement saying he had seen ‘The Rock’ destroy Macho Man Randy Savage once a few years back at Reunion Arena. Mr. Bingham also added for no particular reason, “Thank God for beer!”The riot broke out late in the third quarter after one of the referees called encroachment on an Arlington player. Jay, watching with jaundiced eyes, screamed in protest that a Lamar player, whom he referred to as a ‘Pussy Viking’, had drawn the Colt player offside. A maniacal Mr. Davern stormed the field, body slammed the referee who made the caustic call, and proceeded to spit in the face of every Lamar player he came in contact with, and basically completely annihilated them. At this point, fans from both sides of the stadium poured onto the field recklessly throwing punches and delivering kicks to one another. Arlington cheerleader Missy Green, 17, commented, “It was so horrible…the violence, it’s just, it was worst than when that big rock in Armageddon destroyed NewYork. That movie was like, so emotional.” Missy was one of the lucky ones who escaped injury. Her fellow cheerleader and best friend, Stacy York, was not so fortunate. Ms. York was on the wrong end of a Craig Crowder roundhouse kick that left her unconscious and with a broken nose. Ironically, it was the same nose that her parents had spent thousands of dollars for to look more like Missy’s nose, just a few shorts weeks ago. Arlington Coach Alan Austin, 65, said it reminded him of the horrors of Vietnam, in which he lost his right leg. “Everyone was out there raping, pillaging and plundering, I even saw a little scratching goin’ on. A sea of green and white feuding with the arch rivals in navy blue and yellow…it almost brought a tear to my eye.” Coach Austin was right in the eye of the storm and had to actually remove his prosthetic leg to fend off crazed Vikings. He actually connected once and broke Lamar band member Thad Moreno’s jaw in the process. Coach Austin was charged with assault and battery-with intent to maim with a prosthetic, and has already made his $5,000 bail. Thad, 15, said he intends on filing a lawsuit against Coach Austin and in a statement said, “I’m gonna make that peg leg bastard pay a pretty penny for what he did to me. I’ll see to it, if it’s the last thing I do.” Thad was especially devastated upon hearing that he may never be able to regain his All-District from in Tuba playing. Thad’s parents had to abruptly end the press conference when he erupted into tears after lightly sneezing.Mr. Davern could not be reached for comment, but his girlfriend Jenny Evans, 17, current Arlington Varsity Cheerleader Captain, commented on Jay’s peculiar behavior. I asked her if Jay had a propensity for violence. After asking me what ‘propensity’ means, she said, “This is so unlike him. In the two years we’ve been dating, on and off, he’s never done anything like this. Ohh, well…there was this one time at Humperdink’s when this guy Mike Lyda looked at me kinda weird and so I told Jay about it. Jay got really pissed off and broke a beer bottle over Lyda’s head and kicked Travis Cope’s ass, just for good measure. But besides that he’s been totally sweet to me. You know, he was the first Colt to take me, or anyone for that matter, to the prom in a helicopter.”Emotions were running high because of Homecoming festivities and Spirit Week at both Arlington and Lamar High School. Jay, and his group of buddies, who have not missed a game since their graduation, had attended all the pep rallies and related football activities, such as the Colt Booster Club BBQ-Extravaganza and the hugely popular Topless Cheerleaders Car Wash. The “True Colts,” as they like to be called, were extremely ‘stoked and pumped’ about the big homecoming game. True Colt member David Landry, 28, said that this game meant more than anything in the whole world, and that if Arlington wins this game he could die a happy man.Of the fifty-six injuries, most are in good condition and recuperating nicely with their loved ones in the comfort of their homes. But for some, the sociopathic actions of one raging lunatic have scarred an entire school district and stained the beautiful, poetic game of football forever. Coach Bill Keith, 73, in his final year with the struggling Colts, said, “Football is a wonderful game played between warriors. This game is about bone-crushing hits, thunderous brain-rattling tackles (earholes), and winning at all costs, even if you have to be the hugest prick to get it. This game has no place for unnecessary violence.” Well said Coach Keith, well said.
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