For Immediate Release:
Cape City NewsWire -
Let us propose for one second, that the male population would never be able to see another thong line. Well ladies and gentlemen, whether that's good or bad, in 2007 it could be a reality. A recent published study by the Medical Association of Narutu has noted several health dangers of prolonged exposure to thongs.
The 5-year case study followed a group of 200 voluntary female participants on the coastal island of Narutu. These ladies were given G-string thongs and were told to wear them at all times - during the day, socializing at night, and in the bedroom, only removing the piece to bathe. The results of the extended study cites such problems as, “decreased air circulation to the uppermost portion of the rump crack, causing lower back sweating to occur; over-pronunciation of all plus size rumps; and in extreme cases ‘conjoined thong syndrome’ in which too-tight-thongs grew into the skin of the wearer”.
In order from least to most coverage there is the G-String, the V-string, the T-back (for maximum tear drop effect), and the 1/3 or 2/3 back Tanga. Thong usage can be traced back to ancient Rome, where it originated in men's athletics. Romans discovered that the design had the ability to give a smooth and rounded finish to the buttocks, and also allowed for more ease in movement and maximum comfort.
According to leading experts, the findings of the Narutu study could prove to be detrimental to the $2 billion/year feminine underwear market if the thong is retired from everyday wardrobes.
Additionally, atrocious panty lines could begin to infiltrate the pants of the female population, as health conscious women make the switch to more orthodox undergarments when thong-wearing is not absolutely necessary. Men everywhere can expect to see a unilateral decrease in the spankable-ness and poppable-ness of rear ends - those stuffed into low-rise jeans and propped up on pub stools worldwide. And such would be the end of the sport of “thong spotting” and great table conversation.
Head scientist of the study, Dr. Omajd, said that “...men should think twice about buying their sweetheart a $50 piece of butt floss. They could be harming her health depending on how dedicated she is to wearing it”.