One guy walked into a bar and said "OUCH".
(Think about it)
Did you hear about the man at the grocery store?
Cokes fell on him, but they didn''t hurt him because they were soft drinks!
Once there was this family that was going to Disneyland
and they came to a sign that said: Disneyland LEFT
and so they went home.
A mushroom walked into a ball room and saw a very pretty girl,
so he asked her to dance with him. "I don''t dance with mushrooms," she
replied.
"Well why not," the mushroom complained, "I''m a fun-guy!"
A boy and his family went to a fancy restraunt and the little boy said,
"Daddy I don''t like cheese with holes in it".
His father said, "Well just eat the cheese and leave the holes on the side of your plate"
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle,
and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, I''ve got news for you. "You''re
going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "I''m on the
wrong bus!"
One day, two men named Bill and Steve were taking a ride on their
motorcycles. All of a sudden, Bill lost control and hit a telephone
pole, tearing off the left half of his body. He was immediately rushed
to the hospital while Steve waited anxiously to hear if he would make
it through. After a long wait, the doctor came out and said to Steve,
"He''s all right now."
One day a
mailman was greeted by a boy and a huge dog.
The mailman said to the boy, "does your dog bite?"
"No," replied the boy. Just then the huge dog bit the mailman.
The man yelled, "I thought your dog doesn''t bite!"
"He doesn''t," replied the boy, "that''s not my dog!"
A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon with his coffee. "This coffee," he
said loud enough for most of the other patrons to hear, "is going to be
pretty hot to stir with my fingers." The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and
returned shortly with another cup of coffee. "This one isn''t so hot, sir,"
he beamed.
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
When a three-year-old opened a birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol.
He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
His Mother was not so pleased. She turned to Grandmom and said, "I''m surprised at you.
Don''t you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Grandmom smiled and then replied, "I remember."
One night a man was having a dream.
He dreamt that he was a tee-pee.
The next night he had the same dream, except he was a wigwam.
He keeps having the dreams over and over so he goes to his therapist.
He tells the doctor about his dreams and asks what they mean.
The doctor replied, "Oh, that''s easy. You''re just too tense!"
Get it? Two tents - too tense?
There was this guy watching T.V., and he heard a knock at the door,
so he got up to get it, and when he opened the door,
all he saw was a snail, so he picked it up and threw it as far as he could,
and three years later he was watching T.V., and someone knocked at the door,
so he got up to get it, and there the snail was, and the snail
looked up at the guy and said,"What in the heck was that for?"
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He''d rented a beautiful office and had it
furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office.
Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big
deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Sure.one!"