Human relationships are delicate, & get strained mostly
on some minor points, leading to lack of
communication, estrangement, years of hostility or totally broken relationship. Estrangement is mostly caused by misunderstanding, anger or betrayal, by one or both sides. It could be between parents & children, between children, friends, husband & wife, victims of war & crime etc. For achieving reconciliation, there will be a wide variety of difficult circumstances, with each case being a unique one, but reunion is possible, & has been done in many cases.
Forgiveness plays an important role. Even if forgiving is not possible, there is hope for reconciliation & peace, by resolving the troubles in relationships. Besides Introduction, this book has 11 Chapters in 5 parts & two appendices. In introduction, the author pinpoints the steps people need to take, to transform blame to acceptance & love. It is always a work-in-progress, achieving different levels of relationship, depending upon how deep we carry, memories of the events of estrangement. Chapter 1 mentions that estrangement leads to pain, rage, discomfort, sorrow & shrinkage of life. Closer the relation, higher is its impact. It may be caused step by step, or in one stroke. With fresh wounds of estrangement, reconciliation is very difficult. Time, distance, life experiences, wisdom & maturity of persons help, in removing the images of blame & anger, leading to healing within us. Many times, events like death of persons, life-threatening crises, births of children etc. impact our lives, for re-examining such relationships. Chapter 2 states that it requires communication skills, to have a sustained healthy relationship. Physical, sexual or psychological violence causes devastating shock. True reconciliation is achieved, only when the injuries suffered are acknowledged, deep from within the heart. As per Chapter 3, we should list out & evaluate, old complaints & conflicts, points of bitterness, their causes, help received if any & the costs of estrangement. This internal assessment will guide us, to proceed in a proper direction. We must consider the capabilities, strengths, weaknesses & willingness of people on both sides to change, in determining the kind & level of possible reconciliation. Even in a normal relationship, closeness goes up & down. Victims & perpetrators can be brought together, through carefully prepared sessions of mediation, in which victims speak first. As per Chapter 4, reconciliation requires lot of courage & inner strength. There is always fear, but one small step in the right direction leads to surprises. In those cases where victims suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, & think that life has come to an end, victim-offender mediation programmes are helpful, though slow. For taking the first step towards, or responding to a gesture of reconciliation, we must consider the pros & cons, take risks gradually & slowly, & with positive outlook take additional risks, & alter behaviour patterns.
Chapter 5 mentions that we must have patience, creatively pursue the matters & never give up. The concept of teshuvah or turning the life around, involves asking for forgiveness from the person we have wronged, & then changing our behaviour. For reconciliation, we may have individual & family therapy & religious counseling, along with help from within, the divine presence. It is an ongoing process, & rarely occurs in one smooth event. There will be breakthroughs & setbacks. New pathways can be discovered, or created in our relationships. It has to be a win-win situation. Sometimes it has led to amazing results, e.g. victim & perpetrators of the victim & their relatives have rallied round a single objective of stopping youth violence. As per Chapter 6, closeness is furthered by effective, & not abrasive communication i.e. listening with honesty, & telling truth lovingly. We must read the situation properly & choose right words & right tone. Family circles should be formed, wherein one person speaks at a time, rest are expected to listen, no one comments on what someone has spoken & questions can be asked only for clarification. When dialogue takes place honestly, & there is trust & respect, alliances can be built. The author quotes the example of Palestinian & Israeli people, for whom the “Building Peace Programme”, uses communication workshops, to breakdown the existing traditional hatred. In Chapter 7, author stresses that persons should be encouraged & not condemned. We should rise above our self-interest, & care about the pain of others. If we acknowledge our imperfections, & failings, then our desire to judge others will reduce. When an American soldier & a North Vietnamese soldier, met long after the war was over, compassion overrode malice, since everybody lost & suffered in the war. Similarly the children of holocaust survivors & the holocaust perpetrators interviewed each other, in a workshop specially arranged. Chapter 8 takes up responsibility, humility & accountability. We must constantly look within, for our own actions, motives, intentions & shortcomings, and analyze & acknowledge our role in the earlier estrangement. Apologizing sincerely, followed by a consistent change in behaviour, has a lot of healing power. With the author’s style of writing, the reader is motivated to go through this realistic guide. It is considered useful for all human beings, young or old, male or female, friends or foes. It is also useful for those, who do not need reconciliation now, to avoid estrangement with others, in the time to come.