New Medicines for Stressful Times
D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full
hours.
ST. M O M M A''S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom''s depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to two days.
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of
how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn''t wait till they moved
out.
P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single
women. Two full cups swallowed before an
evening out
increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents
conception.
D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in
enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the
urge to flip off other drivers.
M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal
lines as, "You make me want to be a better person . Can we get naked now?
B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration,
and credit limit of spending spree.
J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can''t remember your birthday,
anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation
level as nagging him